Come In From The Cold - Part 2 of 2
Feb. 8th, 2008 08:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
geovikiPart 1
Izumi recognized Yui's distinctive knock, but couldn't work out why he was visiting in the middle of the day when he knew Katou was at work. After the things he'd read about him in the newspaper lately, he was a little afraid to open the door.
"Izumi-chan! Open up, darling, I've brought you some company."
Atsushi was with him, looking thrilled to be back here.
"Yui-san! What—what happened to your eye?" Yui was wearing a rakish eye-patch, looking like an odd pirate, albeit one who shopped for his clothes in Omotesando.
"Ah, just a friendly brotherly disagreement. You know how it goes," he replied lightly, but Izumi had read the news reports and knew there was a lot more to it than that.
"Come in, please, come in," he said.
"No, I can't stay. I've got to leave for a little bit, and I wanted to let the tenants know. Here, here are some papers for Katou-chan. I'm leaving Atsushi with you for an hour, sorry about that. He insisted on coming with me to visit you."
Atsushi was shoving a bulky carrier bag at him. "Look, Izumi-kun! I brought beer this time." After receiving a mock glare from Yui, he amended, "Yui brought us beer this time."
He led Atsushi into the kitchen, where they instinctively took the same chairs they'd used before.
"How are things going, Atsushi-kun?" he asked politely.
"Much better. Well, for me, I mean. Yui's had a rough time of it, as you can see."
"Yes, I've been reading about it."
"I mean, his own brother tried to kill him! It was awful! Tsukasa and I found him in an abandoned business hotel, and I thought he was dead. But he's doing all right now. His eye's gonna be okay. Not as good as before, but…."
"Do you know where he's going?"
"No, he won't say. He's been staying with Tsukasa and me—oh, yeah, Tsukasa and I got back together."
Izumi smiled. "That's what you wanted, right?"
"Yeah. But I feel bad for Yui now. But I'm going to let him take Daikichi, so maybe he won't be so lonely. My cat, remember?"
"Ah. That's good, then."
"But it's been crazy, Yui's always at the police station answering questions, and Tsukasa's writing about it all like a madman. It's like…like…"
"Samson bringing down the temple around himself?"
But Atsushi looked at him blankly and said, "Who?" Apparently the nuns at the orphanage had left Izumi with stories that weren't commonly known in the rest of Japan.
"So how's it going with you and Katou-san? He won a lot of money in that lottery, Yui told me."
"Good," he said automatically. "Yeah, three million yen."
He was suddenly overcome with the need to talk to someone, to let out some of the secrets he was carrying. "No, to tell you the truth, things are…well, not so good. Katou-san and I, we don't…. You have to realize, he wasn't gay when I met him, and I suppose he's just…rethinking things, maybe."
"Oh, Izumi-kun! I'm sorry. Hey, I know what that's like. Tsukasa wasn't very interested in me for a long time, either—I mean, he was always gay, but there were a lot of things on his mind, and I wasn't one of them. I found out a lot of it had to do with Yui's organization. Things are better now between us. But it's hard to be the one in love all by yourself."
"Yeah. Look, I, um, I still don't have a job, and I need money in case, well, you know…."
"Yeah?"
"I'm probably not the type, I'm not cute like you are, but the videos you make—is there any way they could use me, do you think?"
"Huh. I don't know. I don't do that anymore. I got a regular job now. I suppose I could—"
"Never mind, then. I'll think of something else."
"I'm really sorry, Izumi." Atsushi leaned forward and gave him a beery kiss on the mouth. "I'd comfort you if I could, but that would probably be a bad idea. I'd recommend Yui, though—he was kind to me. I bet he'd take you in."
Izumi suppressed a shudder. Kind or not, Yui still left him feeling on edge. "I…think not. Besides, he's leaving town."
After Atsushi had gone off again with Yui—you tell Katou he still owes me a dinner when I get back—Izumi, feeling strangely disconnected from his emotions and still dry-eyed, sat down to plan. Ni-chome was out of the question: he didn't trust himself to travel that far across Tokyo to get to the district, and it was too chaotic for someone like him anyway. But closer to home, Asakusa had a fair number of gay bars; Ken had shown him, before his agoraphobia had trapped him, which ones were best for picking up stray men without raising the hackles of the owners who'd normally expect a share of the money. He thought he could remember which ones they were. He couldn't risk becoming a full-fledged bar boy, not if he wanted to keep it secret from Katou, but if he was clever, he could pick up two or three customers in the quiet daytime hours. He could be cleaned up and back before Katou got home. Oral only. He couldn't risk anything else, nothing that would leave marks on him. Although Katou didn't see him naked any more, not since…. Still, there was always a possibility that things between them would go back the way they'd been that first few weeks, when they couldn't keep their hands off each other.
He forced those memories somewhere deep where they couldn't hurt so much and allowed his survival instincts to take their place. He could pretend that none of it mattered. He could pretend that Katou hadn't gone somewhere he couldn't follow. After all, if nothing else, he was an accomplished actor.
~~~~~~~
Izumi couldn't help feeling like a mouse under a skyful of hawks.
The bright sun over Asakusa was a liar, promising warmth and wholly failing to deliver. It was almost too cold to be lingering outside certain establishments, where some of the other boys recognized him and glowered back with the natural distrust of competitors. He hoped it wasn't too cold in the alleys and backstreets that were his eventual destination.
Nothing had changed in the months since Izumi had been here last. The lunchtime crowds mostly rushed by, anxious to get back to the tiny warrens that held them as daytime prisoners, but those men weren't his concern. No, he was looking for eyes that caught his and paused, steps that hesitated momentarily, sped up, then slowed again. He held his smile in check—no one wanted a grinning fool who wasted his smile on just anyone. They wanted that smile for themselves alone—and not just the smile but everything else it promised. And Izumi, at least, was more honest than the cold, lying sun.
He trailed slowly through the streets, pretending interest in a shop window here, a news kiosk there. Carefully as a skilled fisherman teases the waters with his hooked bait, he wandered in and out of the rushing mob.
There—that man had been following him and had crossed the street just behind him. He slowed to let the man catch up, feeling the first tug on his sleeve as soft as a fish mouthing the lure.
The man had apparently done this often enough that he had his own favorite nook, tucked away behind a vegetable market that smelled of rotting daikon radishes and hakusai cabbage. They exchanged the barest information, and soon Izumi was gratefully palming crisp yen notes and dropping to his knees.
The stark chill of the pavement crept through his thin pants almost immediately, and he was oddly satisfied—it gave him something less complicated to pay attention to. The cold had persuaded the man to keep his gloves on, and he was tugging Izumi's hair too hard because of them. Izumi could see his own breath making small white puffclouds around the man's cock as he unzipped him. He carefully kept as much of him covered as he could and wondered if they'd have snow before nightfall.
When it was over the man, as so many men do after immediacy has dissolved into completion, turned away and left without a parting word or glance.
Thoroughly cold now, Izumi tried to still his shivering without success. He remembered a nearby bookstore where he used to go at times like this to get warm again. Ten or fifteen minutes there and he should be warm enough to take one more customer. If he managed two a day, and if the weather didn't get worse, it might take a month until he had enough money. That way, when the day came that Katou finally admitted the truth and made him leave, he'd be ready.
If he could only ignore the anxious tremors in his hands and the fear churning in his gut, everything would be just fine.
~~~~~~~
Katou's first words when Izumi answered his cell phone were, "Izumi-kun! You remembered to turn it on. Great! Hey, where are you?"
Izumi felt a rush of relief that he hadn't gone around the bars today. He'd been feeling unsettled and nervous for the past couple of days. Even though his nest egg was nowhere near what he needed to make the break from Katou, he really needed to relax a little. Sneaking around like this, without Katou becoming suspicious, was wearing—of course, things had been different with Ken, who had gotten upset when he didn't go out and earn his keep.
"I'm in the kitchen," he said. "At ho—at the apartment."
"Well, I'm down here at the Happy Fortune. And it's payday. Come out and have a drink with me, okay?"
"Okay. I'll see you in a few minutes then." He closed the cover of his cell with a smile.
He put on a clean sweater and combed his hair. The apartment key was secure in his left coat pocket before he let the door close behind him.
He was nearly at the bottom of the stairs when the familiar and utterly unwelcome feeling of dread began to creep into his brain. He forced his feet to keep moving, past the corner of their building, but then he froze once more, awash in anxiety and breaking out into a cold sweat.
Twenty minutes later found him still standing there, unable to go any further. His cell rang.
"Hey. Are you coming, Izumi-kun?"
"I—I can't," was all he said. He hated the feeble sound of his voice at that moment.
"I'll be right there," Katou told him. "Five minutes, tops. Just hang on."
It probably only took him four, but it seemed endless to Izumi. And then Katou almost didn't notice him wedged into a thin gap between buildings, the only protection he could find. His fingers were clawing fruitlessly into the mortar around the bricks as if he could make himself a cave and crawl inside. They were both breathing hard—Katou from running and Izumi from fear—and the stark walls amplified the sound. Or maybe that was the sound of his pounding heart. It didn't matter.
He felt Katou gently pry his fingers away and hold them to his chest. He was leaning against Katou and would have fallen if Katou's arms weren't holding him up, and then Katou was guiding him back to the apartment. The relief of being back inside these four walls was overwhelming. Izumi threw himself on the futon and wrapped himself tightly in the striped comforter that Katou had given him. Then arms were cradling him, and words were whispered in his ear: it's all right, you're gonna be okay, I'm right here….
"I'm sorry, Katou. I'm so sorry."
"Don't worry about that, it's not your fault."
"I'm sorry."
"Izumi. Hey. Hey." They sat that way for a long time, Katou's strong arms around him to keep his panic in check, until he eventually stopped shaking.
"I'm sorry to be such trouble for you, Katou-san," he finally said, and began to disentangle himself from his cocoon.
"What happened? You were doing so well, I thought…."
"I don't know." But that was a lie.
"Hey. It doesn't matter. This was just a temporary set-back, I'm sure. Tomorrow, things will be back to normal, you'll see."
But they weren't. Not the next day or the ones that followed, either. Katou encouraged him and clucked at him in turn, but none of it mattered—Izumi's agoraphobia was back to stay. This time, though, he secretly agonized over his stagnant nest egg. He could no longer go out and earn anything, and without money he would only be a useless burden to Katou.
So he stayed at home, avoiding the mirror for fear of his secrets showing too plainly in his eyes, and waited for everything to unravel.
~~~~~~~
Izumi glanced at the clock in surprise when he heard Katou at the door. Like always, his heart and body electrified at his presence. If he had a tail, he thought, it would be wagging.
"You're home from work early," he began, but stopped when he noticed the strange woman walking in behind Katou. Dreadful thoughts tore through him before he could stop them: she was his new girlfriend, she was here to replace him, he was going to be thrown out tonight even though he didn't have nearly enough money yet—
Some of that must have shown on his face, because Katou was peering back at him with alarm. "This is Dr. Sasaki. Ono Izumi-san. I've explained what's going on to her, and she's come here to help you."
It took him a minute to process what Katou was trying to say, but when it did, it was every bit as horrible as his first guess. "No! Oh, no, Katou-san!"
The woman was slowly edging towards him, hands open and wearing a friendly smile as if he were indeed a dog on the street, one that might wildly attack or else cower in fear with no telling which.
"It's all right, Ono-san," she said. "I've seen a lot of people with this problem. I can help you."
"No!" he repeated, his mind rapidly doing the calculations. Not only a doctor, but a specialist, too, and coming here to see him at home; that would definitely cost extra. An idea struck him. Maybe if he refused to let her see him, Katou wouldn't have to pay her very much. He bolted into the bedroom and slammed the door.
"Izumi!" That was Katou rattling the door handle. "Come on, it's okay. Dr. Sasaki has a lot of experience with this, you'll see. Please. Open the door."
"No, Katou-san. You can't help me. I won't let you."
Dr Sasaki's voice was calm and reasoning. "Listen to me, Ono-san. It's nothing to be ashamed of. If you just let me talk to you, you'll understand."
Izumi drew a shaky breath. "Dr. Sasaki, I'm sure you mean well. That's not it. Katou has to have his hips fixed, that's why. So please, I can't see you. I just want you to leave."
"Katou-san, do you know what he's talking about?" he heard her ask.
"I'm not quite sure," Katou told her. "Izumi, what—"
"The money you won. It's for your operation. I can't—I don't want you to—you said that there was just enough."
"He means…. I guess you noticed that I don't walk too well. I need an operation, but what that has to do with him—"
"It sounds like he's worried about my payment," she said. "It's all right, Ono-san. Katou-san has already paid me for coming here. You can—"
"No! He can't! He can't! There's just enough money for him." Desperate now, Izumi looked around the tiny room for answers. Coming to a sudden decision, he scrambled across the room to where his nest egg lay hidden under his clothes. Something was niggling for his attention, but he didn't have time to worry about what it could be.
Flinging open the door, he caught them both off guard.
"Here, please, take this instead," he told her. He had no idea how much money it would take to make her go away for good—the money from two of his customers, or three, or four? He shoved all of it at her and trusted her to decide. "Please."
Katou looked at him, shocked. "Izumi, what are you doing?"
"You can't give up your hip operation because of me. I won't let you."
"I'm not! Listen to me! There's enough for that and this too. For god's sake, I just won the damned lottery!"
"But…." He stared at Katou blankly, his hand still clutching a fistful of crumpled yen.
There was a long silence, finally broken by Katou, sounding distant and formal, asking, "Just where did you get all that money, Izumi?"
"I—I started working again," he managed to say, finally too overcome with emotion to try to keep up the lie. What must Dr. Sasaki be thinking now?
Clearly, that thought had also crossed Katou's mind, because he turned to her and said, "Dr. Sasaki, I think it might be a good idea if Izumi and I talked things out alone. I'm sorry for taking up your time."
"It's all right. Please call my office when you think I can be of any help."
After she was gone, neither of them spoke. Izumi found himself wondering if Katou would erupt in rage and violence; if he would lash out with fists or feet the way Ken used to. But Katou wasn't anything at all like Ken; he knew that without question. Katou was by nature a kind man with an innate compassion for everyone, someone who hated causing pain. Right now he didn't seem at all angry, just disappointed, which was worse.
Finally Katou rubbed his hands over his face and sat down with a deep sigh.
"Would you please tell me what's going on in that head of yours, Izumi-kun? Because it's pretty obvious I sure as hell don't know what's going on with you."
"I thought…but you said you won just enough money to pay for your operation."
"I never told you that. For one thing, it's not true."
"But you said…at the bar that time…that's what you told your friends."
Katou's face went slack as he apparently tried to recall the conversation, then froze into a scowl. "Wait a minute. You weren't there. You'd already left. How—"
"I didn't mean to listen in, but I was waiting for the men's room just behind you, and I overheard you. You told that old man that you'd won just enough to fix your hips."
Katou groaned. "Yeah, I told him that because otherwise he was gonna sit there and drink all night and expect me to pay for it. I don't like him very much, all right? So I told him that so he wouldn't take advantage of me."
"Oh. Then…you…."
"So you thought, what, that I didn't have enough money?"
"Yeah."
"Is that why you…why you thought you needed to go back out and…." Katou shook his head as if he were trying to erase disagreeable images. "But you knew we were doing okay before the lottery. Unless all along you were still—"
"No, I wasn't." It was important enough to repeat. "I wasn't, Katou-san! It's just…."
"Just what? Come on, I think we both know that something's really gone wrong here. I want to know what it is." A beat, and then, as if the idea were entirely new, Katou said, "You're planning on leaving, aren't you? That's why you need the money."
Izumi tried to disguise his panic behind something closer to reason. "I don't have enough yet, but I will soon. If you can just let me stay a little while longer, until I can come up with the rest—"
"Dammit, Izumi, if you want to leave so badly, I'll give you the money. You just need to ask. You—you don't have to sell yourself."
"I'll stay and help you until you're well again, after your operation. I want to stay. But I—I know you've changed your mind about me, and I won't stay if I'm upsetting you too much."
"What do you mean, changed my mind about you? Look, that's not true, either. Where did you come up with that?"
"I heard you tell your friends you were only letting me stay until I got back on my feet."
"God, Izumi-kun! Look, okay, so maybe I'm not running around telling everyone about you and me, but that doesn't mean…. Look, they're not even friends, really, they're just a bunch of people I used to work with. I don't want to share my personal business with them, all right?"
"I—I see."
"So that's why you've been acting so cold, then? You thought I wanted you to leave or something? I don't."
"But then why did you…? You stopped sleeping with me, and—"
"Hold on—I thought you didn't want to sleep with me, because you…. When you gave me your money that night Yui was here, I asked you if it was because of what Yui had said."
"It was." At Katou's uncomprehending look, he added, "Yui told you I should be helping you out with your loans. And that's what I was trying to do."
"Oh, no! That wasn't…. Look, I thought…. Ah shit, what a mess!"
"What is it, Katou-san?" He needed to steady himself, and his hand naturally sought out Katou, his one source of strength. To his surprise, Katou captured it and entwined his own hand in his.
"Okay, listen. Something else Yui said that night was that you were only sleeping with me to pay me back for the rent. That's what I was talking about."
Izumi remembered, but it had made no impression on him at the time. "You were?"
"Yeah. So when you gave me that money, I took it to mean…well, that you'd rather give me money than have sex with me. After that, I didn't want to pressure you to, ah…. I just thought that you probably don't even like sex anymore."
"Don't like sex?" he echoed. Was that even feasible?
"Not after what Ken made you do and everything."
Izumi gave Katou's fingers an affectionate squeeze and tried not to smile at his ignorance. "Well, it all matters who I'm having sex with. Didn't it seem like I was enjoying it with you?"
"Uh, yeah. I thought so, but then we stopped and— I thought you'd, uh, well, be more assertive about it, I guess, if you really wanted to. But you weren't."
"That's because I thought you decided that doing it with a guy wasn't your thing after all, or maybe"—he almost couldn't admit this—"maybe it was me."
"You?"
"What I did before. Maybe you want someone without a history like mine, and you just don't know how to tell me."
"No, no, that wasn't—"
"And then you won that money, and…well, when we first met you told me that girls cost too much, so now you can have a girlfriend if you want."
"No, I don't want a girlfriend, Izumi-kun. I just want…. Okay, look, so I really suck at this, I know. You have to remember, though, that…living with another guy and…well, not just living with another guy, the rest of it, I mean, the sex and everything…oh, god, I'm making such a hash of this."
"Just—just tell me whatever it is."
Izumi tried to read Katou's eyes, searching for some kind of anchor to steady him in this chaotic discussion, but Katou was addressing their linked hands. "Okay. Look. I know I'm not the most romantic guy, but I'll try my best. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around…us. Sometimes I think about you and me and, uh, well, it scares me. Not that I was one-hundred percent straight before—well, I think things speak for themselves there, you know? But wondering about myself is one thing and doing something about it is something else."
"Then it's like I thought—"
"No, that's what I'm trying to explain. Badly, I guess. When I'm gone, I think about you and get a little freaked out, but then I come home and see you, and I know I made the right decision. I don't want anyone else. I'm happy with you. I know it's weird, and maybe you still won't believe me, but I do like you. I'm sorry for not telling you before."
"Then you—want me to stay?" Everything hung on the answer.
"Yeah. I didn't ask you to live with me on a whim, you know. I really meant it."
An unexpected joy settled over him. At that moment, he would have gladly forgiven him the most heinous of sins. "You—you did?"
"Yes, of course I did. I do."
Izumi had fought his tears for so long that he'd convinced himself he'd won the victory, but Katou's simple declaration undid him. "Really?" he gasped, letting this new-found happiness overtake him. "Really, Katou-san?"
Katou was smiling now, the one that made Izumi's heart falter and then race in turn. Izumi lifted his face to him and completed his apology, kissing Katou gently at first, lightly tracing the outline of the beloved face, nuzzling the soft hairs at his temples, brushing his cheeks, and finally his lips.
"Do you know how hard I've had to work to keep away from you, Izumi-kun? When I get home at night and you're here, I just want you in the worst way. It's been awful."
"Oh, for me too."
"We're sure a pair of idiots, aren't we? It's like—like our own Rashomon or something. Except we each thought we saw what we were most afraid of. Come here. Let's—I want to do this right."
Instantly, Izumi was in his arms, leaning his body along Katou's, in love with him and with the world. They were kissing again, sweet and slow like the night they'd celebrated the news about the lottery, except this time Izumi knew the secret words that would admit him into that special place. And then their kisses grew fiercer, hungrier, deeper. Katou, crablike, was walking him backwards, too involved to stop what they were doing until they toppled onto the edge of the bed. Izumi felt himself being lifted by strong arms until he rested in the center of the mattress. Katou was on top of him, rubbing against him and saying something into his skin. Katou's fingers were threading through his hair, and although Izumi would have worried only moments before that Katou imagined himself in bed with a girl, now he knew better because he heard his own name whispered over and over.
The thing he remembered most about Katou was that he liked to take his time, not like Izumi's customers who registered every tick of the clock against what they'd dearly paid for. Even Ken had always done it with him in a frenzied rush, as if there were too many other pleasures waiting out there for him to relax and enjoy this one.
Not Katou. It was as if every touch, every sensation, every part of their bodies was something to be explored at length. And it wasn't just the things he was doing to Izumi, but how he tried to explain in astonished gasps how much he treasured every minute of it. Izumi let himself stretch out full length so Katou could reach whatever it was he wanted, like a human smorgasbord.
Katou was curling around him now, condom and lube in place, and there was that breathless moment when everything was poised on the head of a pin, the moment Katou took himself in hand and pushed past all of Izumi's defenses, and they both gasped at the sensation and wonder of it.
"Are you all right," Katou asked—Katou always asked, holding very still until Izumi assured him that yes, he was all right, better than all right, in fact. It was awkward, but Katou leaned in, pressing Izumi's legs up tight against his chest, and kissed him as long as he could before the angle and the pressure got the better of them.
"Nnngh," he moaned into Katou's neck. "Come…come on, I…ah, I want…" and he was fisting himself, even though the feel of his own cock against Katou's skin was enough to make him come without any help at all.
"Oh god, Izumi-kun, you are…I want—want you…ahhhh!"
Izumi lowered himself on Katou to ease the pain he was surely feeling by now in his hips. The tightening grip on his arms let him know Katou was very close. He was working hard to keep his own orgasm in check so that he could feel the instant Katou came apart underneath him, and when it finally happened, the emotions that engulfed him were sharp and fierce.
"I love you so much, Katou-san," he mouthed into the soft skin of Katou's shoulder, knowing his voice was pitched too low to hear. Then he bit his lip, thrust helplessly against Katou's searching hand, and came too, losing himself utterly, until he heard a soft chuckle asking, "You still with me, Izumi?"
"Yeah," he sighed and slipped off, tucking himself against Katou's side where he belonged. Even though they were still touching, Katou's hand smoothing possessively over Izumi's hip, they were lost in their own silence. It wasn't the awkward, confusing silence of the past weeks, though, but a stillness rooted in solace and reconciliation.
"I—I think I love you too, Izumi-kun," Katou said. Startled, Izumi lifted his head, but Katou gentled it back down. "Yeah, I heard you just now. I can hear you when I'm listening, you know."
"Is it okay? That I say it, I mean?"
"Yeah, it's okay. Scary as hell, but okay."
Izumi, although he was drowsy and sated, roused himself and began massaging Katou's shoulders, his back, his damaged hips.
"Mmm…nice," Katou murmured. "You know, you could get a job doing just this. Legit, I mean."
"Really?"
"Yeah, I heard that masseurs make a decent living. If you want to, that is. Once you get over the agoraphobia. You'll talk to Dr. Sasaki now, won't you?"
"If you think I should."
"Yeah. You know, I bet I can guess why it's come back. It's like your body is trying to tell you not to go out and sell yourself anymore. Don't you think?"
"Mmm. Maybe." He gently urged Katou over onto his back and began running his hands over the chest muscles, relishing the touch.
"Your body just wants you to stay home."
Home. The word sounded so promising coming from Katou's mouth and filled him with an unexpected hope. With Katou, he'd finally found a home. The most surprising discovery, though—what he suddenly understood so clearly where he didn't understand at all before—was that home didn't seem to be a place at all. Somehow, without even being aware of how it had come about, Izumi found out that home might just be a person instead. Someone who always sheltered you deep in his heart.
Katou's breathing had become slow and regular under his hands. Asleep. The fine lines of pain around his eyes were softened and he looked younger, although no more handsome. Izumi slid down into the warmth beside him, placed one hand gently over Katou's heart, and closed his eyes.
~.~.~.~.~
We get hurt and we just panic
And we strike out, out of fear
(you were only being kind).
Oh, and all we ever wanted
Was just to come in from the cold.
~.~.~.~.~
Izumi recognized Yui's distinctive knock, but couldn't work out why he was visiting in the middle of the day when he knew Katou was at work. After the things he'd read about him in the newspaper lately, he was a little afraid to open the door.
"Izumi-chan! Open up, darling, I've brought you some company."
Atsushi was with him, looking thrilled to be back here.
"Yui-san! What—what happened to your eye?" Yui was wearing a rakish eye-patch, looking like an odd pirate, albeit one who shopped for his clothes in Omotesando.
"Ah, just a friendly brotherly disagreement. You know how it goes," he replied lightly, but Izumi had read the news reports and knew there was a lot more to it than that.
"Come in, please, come in," he said.
"No, I can't stay. I've got to leave for a little bit, and I wanted to let the tenants know. Here, here are some papers for Katou-chan. I'm leaving Atsushi with you for an hour, sorry about that. He insisted on coming with me to visit you."
Atsushi was shoving a bulky carrier bag at him. "Look, Izumi-kun! I brought beer this time." After receiving a mock glare from Yui, he amended, "Yui brought us beer this time."
He led Atsushi into the kitchen, where they instinctively took the same chairs they'd used before.
"How are things going, Atsushi-kun?" he asked politely.
"Much better. Well, for me, I mean. Yui's had a rough time of it, as you can see."
"Yes, I've been reading about it."
"I mean, his own brother tried to kill him! It was awful! Tsukasa and I found him in an abandoned business hotel, and I thought he was dead. But he's doing all right now. His eye's gonna be okay. Not as good as before, but…."
"Do you know where he's going?"
"No, he won't say. He's been staying with Tsukasa and me—oh, yeah, Tsukasa and I got back together."
Izumi smiled. "That's what you wanted, right?"
"Yeah. But I feel bad for Yui now. But I'm going to let him take Daikichi, so maybe he won't be so lonely. My cat, remember?"
"Ah. That's good, then."
"But it's been crazy, Yui's always at the police station answering questions, and Tsukasa's writing about it all like a madman. It's like…like…"
"Samson bringing down the temple around himself?"
But Atsushi looked at him blankly and said, "Who?" Apparently the nuns at the orphanage had left Izumi with stories that weren't commonly known in the rest of Japan.
"So how's it going with you and Katou-san? He won a lot of money in that lottery, Yui told me."
"Good," he said automatically. "Yeah, three million yen."
He was suddenly overcome with the need to talk to someone, to let out some of the secrets he was carrying. "No, to tell you the truth, things are…well, not so good. Katou-san and I, we don't…. You have to realize, he wasn't gay when I met him, and I suppose he's just…rethinking things, maybe."
"Oh, Izumi-kun! I'm sorry. Hey, I know what that's like. Tsukasa wasn't very interested in me for a long time, either—I mean, he was always gay, but there were a lot of things on his mind, and I wasn't one of them. I found out a lot of it had to do with Yui's organization. Things are better now between us. But it's hard to be the one in love all by yourself."
"Yeah. Look, I, um, I still don't have a job, and I need money in case, well, you know…."
"Yeah?"
"I'm probably not the type, I'm not cute like you are, but the videos you make—is there any way they could use me, do you think?"
"Huh. I don't know. I don't do that anymore. I got a regular job now. I suppose I could—"
"Never mind, then. I'll think of something else."
"I'm really sorry, Izumi." Atsushi leaned forward and gave him a beery kiss on the mouth. "I'd comfort you if I could, but that would probably be a bad idea. I'd recommend Yui, though—he was kind to me. I bet he'd take you in."
Izumi suppressed a shudder. Kind or not, Yui still left him feeling on edge. "I…think not. Besides, he's leaving town."
After Atsushi had gone off again with Yui—you tell Katou he still owes me a dinner when I get back—Izumi, feeling strangely disconnected from his emotions and still dry-eyed, sat down to plan. Ni-chome was out of the question: he didn't trust himself to travel that far across Tokyo to get to the district, and it was too chaotic for someone like him anyway. But closer to home, Asakusa had a fair number of gay bars; Ken had shown him, before his agoraphobia had trapped him, which ones were best for picking up stray men without raising the hackles of the owners who'd normally expect a share of the money. He thought he could remember which ones they were. He couldn't risk becoming a full-fledged bar boy, not if he wanted to keep it secret from Katou, but if he was clever, he could pick up two or three customers in the quiet daytime hours. He could be cleaned up and back before Katou got home. Oral only. He couldn't risk anything else, nothing that would leave marks on him. Although Katou didn't see him naked any more, not since…. Still, there was always a possibility that things between them would go back the way they'd been that first few weeks, when they couldn't keep their hands off each other.
He forced those memories somewhere deep where they couldn't hurt so much and allowed his survival instincts to take their place. He could pretend that none of it mattered. He could pretend that Katou hadn't gone somewhere he couldn't follow. After all, if nothing else, he was an accomplished actor.
~~~~~~~
Izumi couldn't help feeling like a mouse under a skyful of hawks.
The bright sun over Asakusa was a liar, promising warmth and wholly failing to deliver. It was almost too cold to be lingering outside certain establishments, where some of the other boys recognized him and glowered back with the natural distrust of competitors. He hoped it wasn't too cold in the alleys and backstreets that were his eventual destination.
Nothing had changed in the months since Izumi had been here last. The lunchtime crowds mostly rushed by, anxious to get back to the tiny warrens that held them as daytime prisoners, but those men weren't his concern. No, he was looking for eyes that caught his and paused, steps that hesitated momentarily, sped up, then slowed again. He held his smile in check—no one wanted a grinning fool who wasted his smile on just anyone. They wanted that smile for themselves alone—and not just the smile but everything else it promised. And Izumi, at least, was more honest than the cold, lying sun.
He trailed slowly through the streets, pretending interest in a shop window here, a news kiosk there. Carefully as a skilled fisherman teases the waters with his hooked bait, he wandered in and out of the rushing mob.
There—that man had been following him and had crossed the street just behind him. He slowed to let the man catch up, feeling the first tug on his sleeve as soft as a fish mouthing the lure.
The man had apparently done this often enough that he had his own favorite nook, tucked away behind a vegetable market that smelled of rotting daikon radishes and hakusai cabbage. They exchanged the barest information, and soon Izumi was gratefully palming crisp yen notes and dropping to his knees.
The stark chill of the pavement crept through his thin pants almost immediately, and he was oddly satisfied—it gave him something less complicated to pay attention to. The cold had persuaded the man to keep his gloves on, and he was tugging Izumi's hair too hard because of them. Izumi could see his own breath making small white puffclouds around the man's cock as he unzipped him. He carefully kept as much of him covered as he could and wondered if they'd have snow before nightfall.
When it was over the man, as so many men do after immediacy has dissolved into completion, turned away and left without a parting word or glance.
Thoroughly cold now, Izumi tried to still his shivering without success. He remembered a nearby bookstore where he used to go at times like this to get warm again. Ten or fifteen minutes there and he should be warm enough to take one more customer. If he managed two a day, and if the weather didn't get worse, it might take a month until he had enough money. That way, when the day came that Katou finally admitted the truth and made him leave, he'd be ready.
If he could only ignore the anxious tremors in his hands and the fear churning in his gut, everything would be just fine.
~~~~~~~
Katou's first words when Izumi answered his cell phone were, "Izumi-kun! You remembered to turn it on. Great! Hey, where are you?"
Izumi felt a rush of relief that he hadn't gone around the bars today. He'd been feeling unsettled and nervous for the past couple of days. Even though his nest egg was nowhere near what he needed to make the break from Katou, he really needed to relax a little. Sneaking around like this, without Katou becoming suspicious, was wearing—of course, things had been different with Ken, who had gotten upset when he didn't go out and earn his keep.
"I'm in the kitchen," he said. "At ho—at the apartment."
"Well, I'm down here at the Happy Fortune. And it's payday. Come out and have a drink with me, okay?"
"Okay. I'll see you in a few minutes then." He closed the cover of his cell with a smile.
He put on a clean sweater and combed his hair. The apartment key was secure in his left coat pocket before he let the door close behind him.
He was nearly at the bottom of the stairs when the familiar and utterly unwelcome feeling of dread began to creep into his brain. He forced his feet to keep moving, past the corner of their building, but then he froze once more, awash in anxiety and breaking out into a cold sweat.
Twenty minutes later found him still standing there, unable to go any further. His cell rang.
"Hey. Are you coming, Izumi-kun?"
"I—I can't," was all he said. He hated the feeble sound of his voice at that moment.
"I'll be right there," Katou told him. "Five minutes, tops. Just hang on."
It probably only took him four, but it seemed endless to Izumi. And then Katou almost didn't notice him wedged into a thin gap between buildings, the only protection he could find. His fingers were clawing fruitlessly into the mortar around the bricks as if he could make himself a cave and crawl inside. They were both breathing hard—Katou from running and Izumi from fear—and the stark walls amplified the sound. Or maybe that was the sound of his pounding heart. It didn't matter.
He felt Katou gently pry his fingers away and hold them to his chest. He was leaning against Katou and would have fallen if Katou's arms weren't holding him up, and then Katou was guiding him back to the apartment. The relief of being back inside these four walls was overwhelming. Izumi threw himself on the futon and wrapped himself tightly in the striped comforter that Katou had given him. Then arms were cradling him, and words were whispered in his ear: it's all right, you're gonna be okay, I'm right here….
"I'm sorry, Katou. I'm so sorry."
"Don't worry about that, it's not your fault."
"I'm sorry."
"Izumi. Hey. Hey." They sat that way for a long time, Katou's strong arms around him to keep his panic in check, until he eventually stopped shaking.
"I'm sorry to be such trouble for you, Katou-san," he finally said, and began to disentangle himself from his cocoon.
"What happened? You were doing so well, I thought…."
"I don't know." But that was a lie.
"Hey. It doesn't matter. This was just a temporary set-back, I'm sure. Tomorrow, things will be back to normal, you'll see."
But they weren't. Not the next day or the ones that followed, either. Katou encouraged him and clucked at him in turn, but none of it mattered—Izumi's agoraphobia was back to stay. This time, though, he secretly agonized over his stagnant nest egg. He could no longer go out and earn anything, and without money he would only be a useless burden to Katou.
So he stayed at home, avoiding the mirror for fear of his secrets showing too plainly in his eyes, and waited for everything to unravel.
~~~~~~~
Izumi glanced at the clock in surprise when he heard Katou at the door. Like always, his heart and body electrified at his presence. If he had a tail, he thought, it would be wagging.
"You're home from work early," he began, but stopped when he noticed the strange woman walking in behind Katou. Dreadful thoughts tore through him before he could stop them: she was his new girlfriend, she was here to replace him, he was going to be thrown out tonight even though he didn't have nearly enough money yet—
Some of that must have shown on his face, because Katou was peering back at him with alarm. "This is Dr. Sasaki. Ono Izumi-san. I've explained what's going on to her, and she's come here to help you."
It took him a minute to process what Katou was trying to say, but when it did, it was every bit as horrible as his first guess. "No! Oh, no, Katou-san!"
The woman was slowly edging towards him, hands open and wearing a friendly smile as if he were indeed a dog on the street, one that might wildly attack or else cower in fear with no telling which.
"It's all right, Ono-san," she said. "I've seen a lot of people with this problem. I can help you."
"No!" he repeated, his mind rapidly doing the calculations. Not only a doctor, but a specialist, too, and coming here to see him at home; that would definitely cost extra. An idea struck him. Maybe if he refused to let her see him, Katou wouldn't have to pay her very much. He bolted into the bedroom and slammed the door.
"Izumi!" That was Katou rattling the door handle. "Come on, it's okay. Dr. Sasaki has a lot of experience with this, you'll see. Please. Open the door."
"No, Katou-san. You can't help me. I won't let you."
Dr Sasaki's voice was calm and reasoning. "Listen to me, Ono-san. It's nothing to be ashamed of. If you just let me talk to you, you'll understand."
Izumi drew a shaky breath. "Dr. Sasaki, I'm sure you mean well. That's not it. Katou has to have his hips fixed, that's why. So please, I can't see you. I just want you to leave."
"Katou-san, do you know what he's talking about?" he heard her ask.
"I'm not quite sure," Katou told her. "Izumi, what—"
"The money you won. It's for your operation. I can't—I don't want you to—you said that there was just enough."
"He means…. I guess you noticed that I don't walk too well. I need an operation, but what that has to do with him—"
"It sounds like he's worried about my payment," she said. "It's all right, Ono-san. Katou-san has already paid me for coming here. You can—"
"No! He can't! He can't! There's just enough money for him." Desperate now, Izumi looked around the tiny room for answers. Coming to a sudden decision, he scrambled across the room to where his nest egg lay hidden under his clothes. Something was niggling for his attention, but he didn't have time to worry about what it could be.
Flinging open the door, he caught them both off guard.
"Here, please, take this instead," he told her. He had no idea how much money it would take to make her go away for good—the money from two of his customers, or three, or four? He shoved all of it at her and trusted her to decide. "Please."
Katou looked at him, shocked. "Izumi, what are you doing?"
"You can't give up your hip operation because of me. I won't let you."
"I'm not! Listen to me! There's enough for that and this too. For god's sake, I just won the damned lottery!"
"But…." He stared at Katou blankly, his hand still clutching a fistful of crumpled yen.
There was a long silence, finally broken by Katou, sounding distant and formal, asking, "Just where did you get all that money, Izumi?"
"I—I started working again," he managed to say, finally too overcome with emotion to try to keep up the lie. What must Dr. Sasaki be thinking now?
Clearly, that thought had also crossed Katou's mind, because he turned to her and said, "Dr. Sasaki, I think it might be a good idea if Izumi and I talked things out alone. I'm sorry for taking up your time."
"It's all right. Please call my office when you think I can be of any help."
After she was gone, neither of them spoke. Izumi found himself wondering if Katou would erupt in rage and violence; if he would lash out with fists or feet the way Ken used to. But Katou wasn't anything at all like Ken; he knew that without question. Katou was by nature a kind man with an innate compassion for everyone, someone who hated causing pain. Right now he didn't seem at all angry, just disappointed, which was worse.
Finally Katou rubbed his hands over his face and sat down with a deep sigh.
"Would you please tell me what's going on in that head of yours, Izumi-kun? Because it's pretty obvious I sure as hell don't know what's going on with you."
"I thought…but you said you won just enough money to pay for your operation."
"I never told you that. For one thing, it's not true."
"But you said…at the bar that time…that's what you told your friends."
Katou's face went slack as he apparently tried to recall the conversation, then froze into a scowl. "Wait a minute. You weren't there. You'd already left. How—"
"I didn't mean to listen in, but I was waiting for the men's room just behind you, and I overheard you. You told that old man that you'd won just enough to fix your hips."
Katou groaned. "Yeah, I told him that because otherwise he was gonna sit there and drink all night and expect me to pay for it. I don't like him very much, all right? So I told him that so he wouldn't take advantage of me."
"Oh. Then…you…."
"So you thought, what, that I didn't have enough money?"
"Yeah."
"Is that why you…why you thought you needed to go back out and…." Katou shook his head as if he were trying to erase disagreeable images. "But you knew we were doing okay before the lottery. Unless all along you were still—"
"No, I wasn't." It was important enough to repeat. "I wasn't, Katou-san! It's just…."
"Just what? Come on, I think we both know that something's really gone wrong here. I want to know what it is." A beat, and then, as if the idea were entirely new, Katou said, "You're planning on leaving, aren't you? That's why you need the money."
Izumi tried to disguise his panic behind something closer to reason. "I don't have enough yet, but I will soon. If you can just let me stay a little while longer, until I can come up with the rest—"
"Dammit, Izumi, if you want to leave so badly, I'll give you the money. You just need to ask. You—you don't have to sell yourself."
"I'll stay and help you until you're well again, after your operation. I want to stay. But I—I know you've changed your mind about me, and I won't stay if I'm upsetting you too much."
"What do you mean, changed my mind about you? Look, that's not true, either. Where did you come up with that?"
"I heard you tell your friends you were only letting me stay until I got back on my feet."
"God, Izumi-kun! Look, okay, so maybe I'm not running around telling everyone about you and me, but that doesn't mean…. Look, they're not even friends, really, they're just a bunch of people I used to work with. I don't want to share my personal business with them, all right?"
"I—I see."
"So that's why you've been acting so cold, then? You thought I wanted you to leave or something? I don't."
"But then why did you…? You stopped sleeping with me, and—"
"Hold on—I thought you didn't want to sleep with me, because you…. When you gave me your money that night Yui was here, I asked you if it was because of what Yui had said."
"It was." At Katou's uncomprehending look, he added, "Yui told you I should be helping you out with your loans. And that's what I was trying to do."
"Oh, no! That wasn't…. Look, I thought…. Ah shit, what a mess!"
"What is it, Katou-san?" He needed to steady himself, and his hand naturally sought out Katou, his one source of strength. To his surprise, Katou captured it and entwined his own hand in his.
"Okay, listen. Something else Yui said that night was that you were only sleeping with me to pay me back for the rent. That's what I was talking about."
Izumi remembered, but it had made no impression on him at the time. "You were?"
"Yeah. So when you gave me that money, I took it to mean…well, that you'd rather give me money than have sex with me. After that, I didn't want to pressure you to, ah…. I just thought that you probably don't even like sex anymore."
"Don't like sex?" he echoed. Was that even feasible?
"Not after what Ken made you do and everything."
Izumi gave Katou's fingers an affectionate squeeze and tried not to smile at his ignorance. "Well, it all matters who I'm having sex with. Didn't it seem like I was enjoying it with you?"
"Uh, yeah. I thought so, but then we stopped and— I thought you'd, uh, well, be more assertive about it, I guess, if you really wanted to. But you weren't."
"That's because I thought you decided that doing it with a guy wasn't your thing after all, or maybe"—he almost couldn't admit this—"maybe it was me."
"You?"
"What I did before. Maybe you want someone without a history like mine, and you just don't know how to tell me."
"No, no, that wasn't—"
"And then you won that money, and…well, when we first met you told me that girls cost too much, so now you can have a girlfriend if you want."
"No, I don't want a girlfriend, Izumi-kun. I just want…. Okay, look, so I really suck at this, I know. You have to remember, though, that…living with another guy and…well, not just living with another guy, the rest of it, I mean, the sex and everything…oh, god, I'm making such a hash of this."
"Just—just tell me whatever it is."
Izumi tried to read Katou's eyes, searching for some kind of anchor to steady him in this chaotic discussion, but Katou was addressing their linked hands. "Okay. Look. I know I'm not the most romantic guy, but I'll try my best. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around…us. Sometimes I think about you and me and, uh, well, it scares me. Not that I was one-hundred percent straight before—well, I think things speak for themselves there, you know? But wondering about myself is one thing and doing something about it is something else."
"Then it's like I thought—"
"No, that's what I'm trying to explain. Badly, I guess. When I'm gone, I think about you and get a little freaked out, but then I come home and see you, and I know I made the right decision. I don't want anyone else. I'm happy with you. I know it's weird, and maybe you still won't believe me, but I do like you. I'm sorry for not telling you before."
"Then you—want me to stay?" Everything hung on the answer.
"Yeah. I didn't ask you to live with me on a whim, you know. I really meant it."
An unexpected joy settled over him. At that moment, he would have gladly forgiven him the most heinous of sins. "You—you did?"
"Yes, of course I did. I do."
Izumi had fought his tears for so long that he'd convinced himself he'd won the victory, but Katou's simple declaration undid him. "Really?" he gasped, letting this new-found happiness overtake him. "Really, Katou-san?"
Katou was smiling now, the one that made Izumi's heart falter and then race in turn. Izumi lifted his face to him and completed his apology, kissing Katou gently at first, lightly tracing the outline of the beloved face, nuzzling the soft hairs at his temples, brushing his cheeks, and finally his lips.
"Do you know how hard I've had to work to keep away from you, Izumi-kun? When I get home at night and you're here, I just want you in the worst way. It's been awful."
"Oh, for me too."
"We're sure a pair of idiots, aren't we? It's like—like our own Rashomon or something. Except we each thought we saw what we were most afraid of. Come here. Let's—I want to do this right."
Instantly, Izumi was in his arms, leaning his body along Katou's, in love with him and with the world. They were kissing again, sweet and slow like the night they'd celebrated the news about the lottery, except this time Izumi knew the secret words that would admit him into that special place. And then their kisses grew fiercer, hungrier, deeper. Katou, crablike, was walking him backwards, too involved to stop what they were doing until they toppled onto the edge of the bed. Izumi felt himself being lifted by strong arms until he rested in the center of the mattress. Katou was on top of him, rubbing against him and saying something into his skin. Katou's fingers were threading through his hair, and although Izumi would have worried only moments before that Katou imagined himself in bed with a girl, now he knew better because he heard his own name whispered over and over.
The thing he remembered most about Katou was that he liked to take his time, not like Izumi's customers who registered every tick of the clock against what they'd dearly paid for. Even Ken had always done it with him in a frenzied rush, as if there were too many other pleasures waiting out there for him to relax and enjoy this one.
Not Katou. It was as if every touch, every sensation, every part of their bodies was something to be explored at length. And it wasn't just the things he was doing to Izumi, but how he tried to explain in astonished gasps how much he treasured every minute of it. Izumi let himself stretch out full length so Katou could reach whatever it was he wanted, like a human smorgasbord.
Katou was curling around him now, condom and lube in place, and there was that breathless moment when everything was poised on the head of a pin, the moment Katou took himself in hand and pushed past all of Izumi's defenses, and they both gasped at the sensation and wonder of it.
"Are you all right," Katou asked—Katou always asked, holding very still until Izumi assured him that yes, he was all right, better than all right, in fact. It was awkward, but Katou leaned in, pressing Izumi's legs up tight against his chest, and kissed him as long as he could before the angle and the pressure got the better of them.
"Nnngh," he moaned into Katou's neck. "Come…come on, I…ah, I want…" and he was fisting himself, even though the feel of his own cock against Katou's skin was enough to make him come without any help at all.
"Oh god, Izumi-kun, you are…I want—want you…ahhhh!"
Izumi lowered himself on Katou to ease the pain he was surely feeling by now in his hips. The tightening grip on his arms let him know Katou was very close. He was working hard to keep his own orgasm in check so that he could feel the instant Katou came apart underneath him, and when it finally happened, the emotions that engulfed him were sharp and fierce.
"I love you so much, Katou-san," he mouthed into the soft skin of Katou's shoulder, knowing his voice was pitched too low to hear. Then he bit his lip, thrust helplessly against Katou's searching hand, and came too, losing himself utterly, until he heard a soft chuckle asking, "You still with me, Izumi?"
"Yeah," he sighed and slipped off, tucking himself against Katou's side where he belonged. Even though they were still touching, Katou's hand smoothing possessively over Izumi's hip, they were lost in their own silence. It wasn't the awkward, confusing silence of the past weeks, though, but a stillness rooted in solace and reconciliation.
"I—I think I love you too, Izumi-kun," Katou said. Startled, Izumi lifted his head, but Katou gentled it back down. "Yeah, I heard you just now. I can hear you when I'm listening, you know."
"Is it okay? That I say it, I mean?"
"Yeah, it's okay. Scary as hell, but okay."
Izumi, although he was drowsy and sated, roused himself and began massaging Katou's shoulders, his back, his damaged hips.
"Mmm…nice," Katou murmured. "You know, you could get a job doing just this. Legit, I mean."
"Really?"
"Yeah, I heard that masseurs make a decent living. If you want to, that is. Once you get over the agoraphobia. You'll talk to Dr. Sasaki now, won't you?"
"If you think I should."
"Yeah. You know, I bet I can guess why it's come back. It's like your body is trying to tell you not to go out and sell yourself anymore. Don't you think?"
"Mmm. Maybe." He gently urged Katou over onto his back and began running his hands over the chest muscles, relishing the touch.
"Your body just wants you to stay home."
Home. The word sounded so promising coming from Katou's mouth and filled him with an unexpected hope. With Katou, he'd finally found a home. The most surprising discovery, though—what he suddenly understood so clearly where he didn't understand at all before—was that home didn't seem to be a place at all. Somehow, without even being aware of how it had come about, Izumi found out that home might just be a person instead. Someone who always sheltered you deep in his heart.
Katou's breathing had become slow and regular under his hands. Asleep. The fine lines of pain around his eyes were softened and he looked younger, although no more handsome. Izumi slid down into the warmth beside him, placed one hand gently over Katou's heart, and closed his eyes.
We get hurt and we just panic
And we strike out, out of fear
(you were only being kind).
Oh, and all we ever wanted
Was just to come in from the cold.
~.~.~.~.~
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-09-13 04:28 pm (UTC)Well, that's a bit awkward, but it conveys my feelings, I hope! I look forward to more of your writing!
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Date: 2008-09-18 01:37 am (UTC)I'm always so thrilled when anyone even reads these fanfics of mine. I'm gearing up to write the third in this series - I have the plot worked out, I just need to write it now. So thanks for the encouragement!