Introspection
Oct. 21st, 2005 05:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
geovikiIt's a grey fall day and a colleague died this morning.
She was two years older than me. She went to the doctor a scant two weeks ago, by Monday was in hospice, and was gone this morning. Liver cancer. I wasn't close friends: I've known her, though, for about 12 years. She worked in IT. We got off to a rocky first acquaintance, but it quickly became clear to her that she'd been used to challenge me by some people who were skilled manipulators. She sent me a rather handsome apology, and we got on well after that.
All of us are in shock at the news. And I can't help but use the news of her death for some serious introspection. Am I doing what I want with my own time here? I can't always say yes. I let myself become distracted. I don't do what I know I should. Sins of omission weigh heavily. I don't think it's particularly morbid of me; I think it's a necessity to go through this. After all, I'm closer to the death certificate than the birth announcement, and to ignore that would make my life mere triviality.
Odd segue: I need to pare my friends list, and it's so hard to do. None of you are not worth reading, none of you irritate me, no one is deserving of the axe. But I've been spending far more time reading LJs than writing, and I have a bunch of stories in my head that need to make it to paper. Forgive me. And if you decide that you no longer want to read the weird thoughts of someone of advancing years, I understand if you cut me from your friends list. Best wishes to you and all.
Oh, shit. As I was typing this, my mother called to let me know my sister's in the hospital with heart problems. I need to call her and find out how much has been filtered from Mom - honesty is, and always has been, a controlled commodity in our family.
She was two years older than me. She went to the doctor a scant two weeks ago, by Monday was in hospice, and was gone this morning. Liver cancer. I wasn't close friends: I've known her, though, for about 12 years. She worked in IT. We got off to a rocky first acquaintance, but it quickly became clear to her that she'd been used to challenge me by some people who were skilled manipulators. She sent me a rather handsome apology, and we got on well after that.
All of us are in shock at the news. And I can't help but use the news of her death for some serious introspection. Am I doing what I want with my own time here? I can't always say yes. I let myself become distracted. I don't do what I know I should. Sins of omission weigh heavily. I don't think it's particularly morbid of me; I think it's a necessity to go through this. After all, I'm closer to the death certificate than the birth announcement, and to ignore that would make my life mere triviality.
Odd segue: I need to pare my friends list, and it's so hard to do. None of you are not worth reading, none of you irritate me, no one is deserving of the axe. But I've been spending far more time reading LJs than writing, and I have a bunch of stories in my head that need to make it to paper. Forgive me. And if you decide that you no longer want to read the weird thoughts of someone of advancing years, I understand if you cut me from your friends list. Best wishes to you and all.
Oh, shit. As I was typing this, my mother called to let me know my sister's in the hospital with heart problems. I need to call her and find out how much has been filtered from Mom - honesty is, and always has been, a controlled commodity in our family.
