Lament of an HP Slash Writer

[geoviki]

I'm in the weird-head-space limbo of having written a new fic, and I am preparing to send it to my betas today.

As I review it, I sometimes get feelings of "Oh, hey, I kind of like this... yeah, it doesn't actually suck", but then I hit another part where I'm all "Oh, God, could this be any more contrived and awful?"

You may know this cycle yourself.

Then there's the odd situation of having just written a book – a bona-fide full-length book – and being excited, proud, satisfied...but not being able to tell anyone in RL about it.

I'm positive you know those feelings.

Let's face facts. There's probably little you could say that would stop a congenial conversation with your friends and acquaintances in its tracks faster than: "I've just finished writing a book. I've taken characters from an enormously popular children's series and written them into explicit homosexual situations that include masturbation, anal penetration, and ejaculation." Smile as jaws hit the floor. "No, of course you can't read it."

Thank God for LJ.

Now, we all know people with odd hobbies, and they can all hold their heads up and proudly profess: "Why, yes, I love attending monster truck rallies," or "This is my collection of Precious Moments figurines of mutant children," or "I have every bootleg recording of the Grateful Dead."

But we can't do that.

But I take heart in the fact that, isolated as I am in my hobby, I do have a sympathetic ear in the etherworld of LJ. And you aren't losers and misfits by any means – you are smart, talented, successful, witty, (and you sing well, too, as the joke goes). And thank God for that.

I just had to get that off my chest.

Comments

[february-sea.livejournal.com]

Re: everything about being an HP slash fanfic writer that you've so eloquently put above...all I can say is, "Sing it, sister!"

I have definite times of feeling schizophrenic in my life, particularly because my fandom and 'real' lives are sooooo separate. *sigh* 'Tis, as they say, a puzzle.

But the bonding thing with other authors. Yeah. It's all good. :)

Oh...and about that bit in your bio--about raising the average age of the fandom. Yeah, I'm all about that, too. :D

[geoviki.livejournal.com]

It seems to me that, as a teacher, you need to be especially careful. I do too, at least at work, where our internet and email traffic are monitored (for example, I could have been fired without appeal if Icarusancalion's icon today - of graphic male/male sex - had been scanned by the spyware at work.

So I relate, entirely.

Yay for the elderly!

[february-sea.livejournal.com]

Oh, yeah...the whole student thing is a cause for MAJOR care...and crickey, THAT ICON because of course I had to go look....I was all O_O and...yeah. Major issues at work.

I stay off LJ at work, actually...I sometimes check email and respond to comments via email, but never log on to LJ. Paranoia is a beautiful thing.

And the age thing...well, yeah. I think between you, me, and Franling (that would be franlet) we do our share to keep the average age of the fandom about as high as it can go. :D:D:D

You're a geophysicist? Man. And all I do is teach math. *hides face*

utterly with you on that one.

[underlucius.livejournal.com]

and I think you will find a lot of kindred souls.

The very first thing I wrote (ambitious or what) was a book length slash piece and I was so proud, but only about 3 people in RL know about it. I have been ashamed for too long I think.

Then I wrote a 97K original (gay porn) novel and I HAD to start telling people, coz i had to explain what i was doing hunched over my PC and on line, researching *cough cough* for hours. My mother was the most surprising, and at the age of 72 she has taken it all on board (she thinks its a phase i am going thru until i write the great English Novel but I'll let her carry on thinking that as she's supportive) My close friends are bemused, but supportive but word is leaking out now as I chase editors and recently had a short story accepted for publication, and people at work are asking for links to my website.

I have to decline, politely, and I see them look at me and assess me with their perceptions of what THEY think I am(middle aged overweight single woman who closets herself away with wine and cats and writes every spare minute of the day) I try and explain that if they thought about it, females liking slash makes just as much sense as men wanting to see two women in bed, but it falls on death ears. I am a pervert.

However, I am a published pervert.

So rise above them. They can't write. You win.

[geoviki.livejournal.com]

I am a published pervert.

Here in the US, we have to list our occupations on our tax returns. I'd love to put this in the little box!

[umbralin.livejournal.com]

Oh God yes, I know exactly what you mean. It's almost surreal sometimes when you feel so good about something fandom related and there's no way you can share it with your family and RL friends.

[geoviki.livejournal.com]

At least I can tell my husband, who is amused, if not entirely in tune with the slash vibe. He does reap certain benefits of topical research, however.

The kids are another matter entirely.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

SO know what you're talking about. Even worse is when you're consumed by something you're writing, and you think about it constantly, and then it works itself out brilliantly, and you're so excited but can't tell anyone why ou're so happy suddenly.

Or when you get glowing wonderful feedback from people on a fic you've posted, and it makes you so happy that somebody else gets it that you want to shout it to the rooftops -- but, no.

Or when someone in RL compliments you on your writing (for something else entirely) and says, "You should think about writing a book sometime." And you have to smile politely and reply, "Oh, no," while inside you're screaming, "OMG I have written reams of fic, and I have a website and a blog deidcated to it, and you should check it out because it's SO fucking amazing"...

But you don't.

*sighs*

[geoviki.livejournal.com]

glowing wonderful feedback from people on a fic you've posted

It's hard to explain that feeling at all. I had that happen, by a BNF, and I ended up going to Costco to wallow in mass quantities of goods.

But it wasn't the same.

BTW, I am so wrapped up in "Left my Heart". I have happy memories of SF, plus a self-identified kink for detective H/D fic.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

I am so wrapped up in "Left my Heart".

And there is another example of stuff you just can't explain to your RL friends! *grins* Thanks for that!

[painless-j.livejournal.com]

oh, familiar feeling.

Thanks to unknown deities, I have two close (the closest, actually) RL friends, one of whom writes slash (and he's gay himself) - I met him at an on-line fan-forum several years ago, the other one is my alter-ego, she's the freakiest freak and how can she not love slash? All my RL familiars and colleagues know I'm a slasher. I somehow figured that it's easier for me to state my right to be different that to lie. I wouldn't be able to bear everyday schizophrenia. If some of my RL familiars are so uncomfortable with the fact that I like, read and write homosexual porn with fictional characters or about rock stars, I don't care about their opinion, they can happily go to hell.

On the other hand, I understand that it can be a problem. I'm a journo who lives in a huge city, people around me are mostly open-minded. But what if I were in the army? or a school-teacher from a village? yes, it would be a prolem.

you know, when you are depressed about it, look how many of US are in the world!

[small letters] besides, you are in America, you can go to a fanfic conference or just phone another slasher and meet her at a weekend, have a cup of tea. It's good, believe me, I tried it [/end]

[geoviki.livejournal.com]

Funny you should mention that -- I did get to meet with Isis (my beta and a really wonderful person) about a month ago. Not tea -- margaritas. And it helped. She's also an older scientist and slash writer.

But America is big. Denver is more full of those into monster truck rallies.

I think AJ Hall had it right when she noted that it's more likely to find understanding and similar people on the internet than in real life. Seeing the growth of the Internet during my lifetime has been a wonderful thing to me -- I can't imagine my life without it now. See, I wouldn't have met you!

And I'm a government scientist. Although I have a terrific Internet connection at work, I must be very careful not to click on anything with questionable content, or I will be fired immediately. I have to watch and not click on even my "friends" link on LJ (if you are a friend of icarusancalion, today, you have seen why). Our email and internet use is monitored.

In fact, one of our (former) geologists is now in prison -- for trying to solicit a minor (under 18) for sex using his government Internet connection. Of course, that is far beyond stupid.

[curiosa-cabinet.livejournal.com]

Hello,

Kupukello asked me to friend you, so I did ;). I look forward to reading your fics.
I know what you mean about not being able to tell anyone about slash and the like. I can talk about it with my husband, luckily, and a couple of friends. I only just joined LJ and I'm amazed at how nice people are here. It is a relief to be able to talk about these things, even with LJ people you will meet in RL, because they know you're not a freak.

[geoviki.livejournal.com]

Another Scandanavian friend! So cool!

Actually, my great grandparents came from Malmo, Sweden, so I have roots there. (My genealogical research came to a screeching halt - his name was Anders Johnson. Like a thousand other Swedes in Malmo, I'm sure.)

Also, my first job out of college was as an Art History Librarian.

Welcome to LJ. That giant sucking sound you hear is your free time saying goodbye.

Also, friend quickquote for all the HP fandom news, it's very helpful.

[curiosa-cabinet.livejournal.com]

Teehee! Well, I was pretty hooked on the Internet already, but I won't deny I spent all Sunday on LJ.

Thanks for the tip about quickquote. I'm still pretty clueless when it comes to LJ, so I appreciate the help.

[zionsstarfish.livejournal.com]

waah! I've done something horrible to the story and it's nowhere to be seen on my computer. *despairs* Um... could you please resend it? Please? *makes puppy dog eyes*

sorry for putting this here; it is late, and I'm a lazy arse sometimes. all right, often.

[sine-que-non767.livejournal.com]

Let's face facts. There's probably little you could say that would stop a congenial conversation with your friends and acquaintances in its tracks faster than: "I've just finished writing a book. I've taken characters from an enormously popular children's series and written them into explicit homosexual situations that include masturbation, anal penetration, and ejaculation." Smile as jaws hit the floor. "No, of course you can't read it."

*LMAO* Oh, sweetie! I just had to comment on this, months after the fact, because it's so so true. This is exactly how I feel. You just want to *show* someone a fic for once, dammit! (And quote gorgeous bits from others' fics and talk about how it blew you away...) This might amuse you, though - I got a good laugh out of it, even as I completely identified:

http://www.livejournal.com/users/sparrohawk/6124.html