Long Way Home sequel - Part 1 of 2
Feb. 8th, 2008 07:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
geovikiThe long wait is over! The anxiously awaited sequel to Long Way Home, my novelization of Miyamoto Kano's yaoi story, is finally finished.
Er, that would be the announcement I would have made if the sequel were, you know, anticipated in the slightest. But alas...earwax. The story I wrote for this manga is without question the least-read thing I ever did. Nonetheless, I couldn't get it out of my brain until I wrote this sequel, so there you go. Ready or not, here it comes.
Much thanks for the beta to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
venivincere, who wants to tell the rest of you that you don't have to know the original manga to follow along. You do need to read the first story I did, though. Oh, it's on Skyehawke too: Long Way Home.
Come In From The Cold
by Geoviki
Freely I slaved away for something better,
And I was bought and sold.
And all I ever wanted
Was just to come in from the cold.
—Joni Mitchell
The familiar rhythm being tattooed into the door jarred Izumi from his drifting thoughts. In the short month that Izumi had been living here with Katou, he'd grown used to Yui's impromptu visits. Now that Yui wasn't hounding both of them, he'd become quite the mother hen. But lately Izumi noticed a troubled air about him, as though he were dealing with something weighty and needed some distraction.
This time, to Izumi's surprise, Yui wasn't alone. Hanging on his arm was a cute young guy in the last gasp of puberty, maybe eighteen or nineteen, who was staring at everyone and everything with unabashed curiosity. He looked so much like Yui at first glance that Izumi thought he might be a brother, but the subtle sexual manner between them belied that idea.
"Izumi-chan! Katou-chan!" Yui gave them both enthusiastic hugs with his free arm and added a few awkward air kisses that Izumi and Katou managed to duck.
"This darling young man is Atsushi-chin," Yui told them with a grin, shrugging off both coat and boy in one flamboyant motion. "Do love him for me, won't you, Izumi-chan? Katou and I have boring, boring business to discuss."
"Would either of you like something to drink?" Izumi asked politely.
"Beer?" Atsushi said.
"Yes, all right. For everyone?" He did a quick mental inventory of their carefully hoarded supply—if he held off himself, there should be enough for the rest of them. A glance at Katou let him know he was doing the same mental calculation.
"Sounds good," Yui said, and fished out a sheaf of papers from his coat, which set Izumi on edge. Papers were always about money, or more specifically, the lack thereof. Izumi tried not to worry, but their finances were still pretty precarious. Katou had a new job, but he hadn't had his first paycheck yet. And Izumi…well, he was still working on being able to leave the apartment without having a panic attack.
Yui and Katou settled into the far corner of the room, and Atsushi followed him into the postage-stamp kitchen to fetch the beer.
"Do you smoke?" Atsushi asked, apropos of nothing Izumi could work out.
"No," he said, and made a universal sign for money. "Costs too much."
"I don't either. I'm thinking about it, though. Yui smokes all the time, and he always tastes like an ashtray. I was thinking I'd fight fire with fire." He chuckled at his own joke.
Izumi handed Atsushi one of their precious beers. "Here you go."
"Thanks. Yui told me a little bit about you. You're a rentboy, right?" Atsushi said, staring at him as if he was about to ask for a demonstration. Izumi was left wondering whatever happened to the art of small talk.
"I was," he replied, with no elaboration. Was a month's renunciation long enough to let him make that claim? He decided that intent mattered most, so yes, probably.
"Huh. Not that it matters to me. I'm in porn videos, myself."
He tried not to look shocked. "Is that so?"
"For a while, anyway, until I save up enough to go back to school so I can get a real job."
He cast around for a vague enough reply and tried not to let his imagination run free. "Yui-san runs a lot of different businesses, doesn't he?"
"Oh, I didn't get into it because of Yui. I just met him a few weeks ago. Right after Yui kicked you out of your home. He told me he felt bad about that."
"It wasn't home," he answered automatically. Ken had never called the place he'd deposited Izumi anything but an apartment. Never home. "Not what you'd call a home, anyway."
Ignoring Atsushi's puzzled look, he wordlessly took two beers to Yui and Katou and withdrew back to the kitchen. He sat near the open door, though, so he could keep tabs on their conversation—Katou bore a look of deep concern, which didn't bode well. Eavesdropping had always been a valued skill at the orphanage, but Ken had given him a hard time later when he'd caught him at it. Of course, it turned out that Ken had too many secrets he didn't want Izumi to learn. After Ken had left, the obasan upstairs had told him everything she'd seen. He swore he wasn't ever going to be left in the dark like that again.
In the other room, Yui was explaining how one of Katou's outstanding loans had escaped his notice. Izumi could only catch bits and pieces of what they were saying, but Katou seemed to calm a little as they spoke, so Izumi did too. Still, they were living hand to mouth as it was; this news couldn't be good.
Atsushi, seemingly deaf to the conversation going on in the other room, took a long pull from his beer and smiled at him. "I know what it looks like. But Yui and me, we're not together or anything like that. Well, it's complicated. I'm staying with him for now, but that's because I didn't want to be alone after my boyfriend kicked me to the curb a few days ago. Yui feels sorry for me, I guess. Hey, you don't mind me telling you all this, do you?"
Atsushi was so open and transparent that Izumi wondered if he was really Japanese at all. Hawaiian maybe? Californian? But there was no trace of a telltale accent that he could detect. "No, that's all right."
"I just thought you might understand how crazy things get sometimes, because you…well, Yui said your last boyfriend did the same thing to you."
How much gossip had Yui spread to this guy anyway? "That's complicated, too," he said quietly.
"Yeah. I wonder if it's any better with girls?"
"I wouldn't know."
"No, me either." Atsushi looked thoughtful for a moment, then flashed him a quick grin. "And I'm not looking to find out. I only like guys."
Izumi was finding himself warming to Atsushi's strange, blunt conversation. It had been so long since he'd actually had someone his own age to talk to. Not since Ken had cut him off from the few friends he'd had in the orphanage.
"I think Yui likes to take in strays like me. And Daikichi," Atsushi confided. Just when Izumi started to wonder if Yui was busy collecting his own harem of young guys, Atsushi added, "Daikichi is my cat. Hey, do you like cats? You look the type."
"Sure. I like them."
"Thought you might. See? We're a lot alike, really. Stray cats, both of us, looking for someone kind enough to bring us in off the streets."
"So you and Yui…."
"Well, we're not in love or anything. I mean, I don't dislike him, of course. Although I did at first, when he called me 'Brat' and stuff. He and my boyfriend are good friends, that's how we met." He looked up suddenly and laughed. "Like I said, complicated."
"I suppose they're not such good friends now."
"No, my boyfriend doesn't really care about me, but I…. Well, things are really fucked up, if you want the truth. I'm sleeping with Yui, but I don't love him, and he doesn't love me either. It's Tsukasa I'm in love with. I'm hoping he changes his mind and takes me back."
"I see. Then we're not alike, not that way."
"Oh. You're in love with that guy talking to Yui?" He looked hard at Izumi as if he could somehow work it out by reading his face.
"I meant the other part," he began, but then his throat tightened as he thought of Katou, and he could barely choke out, "I don't want to see my old boyfriend ever again."
Damn it, he hated how easily his emotions spilled out. It had always made him an easy target growing up with kids who'd somehow learned how to hide their own tears behind anger and their pain behind apathy. "Making Izumi cry" had become a popular pastime. One reason he'd adored Ken when he came to work there was that he'd put a stop to those nasty games.
Still, he wasn't ready to confess to this odd visitor that he'd already fallen hard for Katou, but that he didn't really know how Katou felt about him. Pity was a big reason why he was here, he knew that much, but was there anything else?
But Atsushi didn't notice his distress. "Hey, can I have another beer?" he said cheerfully.
"Oh. Sure."
Atsushi had it half gone in two swallows while Izumi watched. In the temporary quiet, he heard Yui tell Katou, "It's convenience, mostly. I give him a place to sleep, and he keeps me company and returns the favor with sex. See? No different than you and Izumi." Katou's reply was too quiet for Izumi to make out.
"That guy—is he a Yakuza too, like Yui?" Atsushi asked.
"No. No, he just got a job as a truck dispatcher. He figures out which truck should go where." He almost added that he could tell that Katou was already bored with it after only a week and was pretending to Izumi that he wasn't, but he caught himself in time. "He wants to be a chef, though. You should taste some of the things he cooks, with stuff you wouldn't think would even be edible. If only—" God, what had gotten into him? He had no business telling Atsushi about Katou's problems or their chronic lack of money. Atsushi's chattiness was too contagious. He needed to guard his tongue.
Abruptly, Yui was in the kitchen with them, making it crowded beyond belief. His distinctive scent of cologne and cigarette smoke filled Izumi's nose, and the smell made him remember things best left forgotten.
"You're not being an annoying little fuck, are you, Atsushi?" Yui said, but ruffled Atsushi's hair with clear affection to erase the sting from his words.
"Not a bit," Atsushi said, his grin mischievous. "We're just dishing the dirt about you two. Whose cock is bigger, that sort of thing."
Izumi wondered what Atsushi would say if he told him he already knew the answer from first-hand experience.
"C'mon, brat, we're going home," Yui said, then went back out to Katou. "Look, don't worry. It's just money. Once you get that first paycheck, things won't look so dire. Are you sure you won't change your mind about…" and he glanced at Izumi.
"No, it's too soon," Katou said. "We'll be fine."
Izumi had spent years filling in adults' unspoken conversation, and knew immediately that Yui wanted him to start working, too. But where, and doing what?
"Okay. Worth a try." Yui took his coat from Izumi with a bright smile. "Take care of him for me, won't you, Izumi-chan?"
"Of course."
Yui stuffed one hand into his pocket, clearly looking for a cigarette, but instead pulled out a handful of paper. He stared for a second, then smiled in recognition.
"Nearly forgot I had these. Lottery tickets. Four of them, and four of us. I better not ignore the significance of that." He fanned them out and offered them first to Katou and Atsushi, who each took one, and finally to Izumi.
"No, you choose next," Izumi urged. "I'll take the last one."
Chuckling, Yui did as he asked, adding, "Good luck to all of us. If any of you win, you can buy me dinner."
"Steak or sushi?" Katou asked.
"Steak, definitely. Gotta keep up my energy if I plan on letting this brat stick around. These young guys wear you out, isn't that so, Katou-chan?"
~~~~~~~
Izumi carefully wrote his name in pencil on his lottery ticket. Silently Katou handed his over and Izumi did the same to it. The strokes forming Katou's name looked nice, he decided, then he chuckled at how he was practically turning into a teenage girl, writing his boyfriend's name like this. He stuck both tickets on the refrigerator under a frog magnet for luck.
Katou was watching him. "What will you do with the money if you win?"
"Me? Oh, I don't know."
"There must be a lot of things you'd like to have, though, right?"
"I—I haven't thought about things like that."
"C'mon, there's gotta be one thing."
"Okay, I know. I'd like to go to a nice place and have my hair cut instead of doing it myself."
"That's it?"
"Yeah. I mean, it'd be a really nice place, you know, with shampoo that smells really exotic, and big fluffy towels, maybe a neck rub to go with it."
"That would be one awesome haircut, for twenty million yen."
"No, I wouldn't spend it all on haircuts, silly. I'd save the rest, I think."
"You know, Izumi-kun, I could pay for a haircut right now if you wanted one. I do like your hair long, though. It's nice, the way you wear it."
He flushed pink at the unexpected compliment. "Ken used to say it makes me look like a girl," he stammered, remembering too late that Katou didn't like hearing about Ken. Awkwardly, he added, "What would you spend the money on if you won?"
"Well, I'd take my time deciding, but I could get myself fixed up again, and then I could get back to learning to be a chef. I think I'd like that."
"Fixed up?"
"Well, an operation, yeah. They told me it would help a lot, but I can't afford it."
"Oh, Katou! You should do it!"
"Well, I have to win first, don't I? You know what they say: if wishes were horses, beggars would ride." His face turned serious again as he turned his attention back to the papers Yui had left.
"Is anything wrong?" Izumi finally asked. "Is there something I can do to help?"
Katou shook his head. "No, it's fine. Well, not fine, exactly, but—"
Izumi knew that what he was about to say wasn't going to go over very well, but he had to try.
"Katou-san, I still have a little money left. I would be honored if you'd let me give it to you to pay for our rent." He steeled himself for the rejection that was guaranteed to follow.
"No, Izumi, I can't take your money. You—you just hang on to it. Use it for haircuts and stuff like that."
"Please. I really want to pay my fair share, and I have enough right now. Let me do this, Katou-san."
Katou stared at him for a long moment, then said, "Does this have anything to do with what Yui said?"
"Yes. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to listen, but—"
"You can't help it when this apartment's so tiny, huh?" He gave a wry grin. "I know. Not your fault."
"Yui is right, though." If they were going to share their lives, then their money should be shared as well.
A look of surprise crossed Katou's face. "Do you think so? I guess I thought—well, what I thought isn't important, really. I should have paid more attention to what you thought, is all."
Izumi's spirits were lifting when he realized that Katou was going to be sensible about things. It only took a minute to bring him the envelope with his carefully hoarded savings. "Here. I want to do this, Katou. I know you're not comfortable with how I earned it, but it's mine and I want you to have it."
"I can't take it all—here, take this much back, at least."
"No, just—twenty yen is all I need."
"All right."
Izumi had a strong urge to kiss away Katou's discouraged expression, but was stopped short by the way he seemed a million miles away. That night, instead of taking Izumi to bed the way he usually did, Katou turned on the TV to some mindless quiz show and finally fell asleep there. Izumi watched him for a long time, wondering what else he could do to lessen his troubles. Finally, he nudged him awake and guided him into bed, but Katou merely tugged the blankets over himself and went right back to sleep.
~~~~~~~
Izumi never bothered with newspapers as a rule, but when he caught sight of Yui's picture on the front page, decorated with lurid headlines, he brought it home. He and Katou spent the evening poring over the story of girls sold into slavery and the other lurid details of the Nokura organization.
It was only as an afterthought, since they had the newspaper anyway, that he thought to check the numbers of the lottery tickets still held up by the magnet in the kitchen.
Which is how he learned that Yui's story wasn't at all the most astonishing news in the Tokyo Shimbun.
Of course, he didn't believe it at first, and when he managed to stammer out the good news, Katou didn't believe it either.
"You must have read it wrong," Katou said, but the numbers were the same when he checked, too. He finally blurted, "Oh my God!"
"Katou-san, you won! You really won!"
"Yeah, I guess I did…. Well, I mean, it wasn't the top prize, but still—wow. Three million yen!"
"Now you don't have to work as a dispatcher any more. I know how much you hate it there. You never said so, but I could tell." One of the ways he realized it was that Katou had stopped coming to bed with him—he instead fell asleep every night in front of the TV. They hadn't done it together since…well, it was after Yui and Atsushi had come to visit.
But Katou was laughing at him. "It's not all that much money, Izumi-kun. I still need to work."
Izumi's heart fell. "But— What about your operation? Is it enough—"
Katou looked thoughtful. "I think it just might be."
"Oh, Katou!"
And then Katou was finally kissing him, sweet and warm like he had that first week, and Izumi was careful not to do anything that would make him think of stopping. Eventually, though, Katou pulled away and opened his eyes. His warm hands were still cradling Izumi's, who could feel his own hand trembling inside them like a separate creature. He made the rest of himself very still, waiting, hoping not to frighten Katou away, hungering for him more than ever. He tried to read Katou's searching eyes, which were pinned on him, but couldn't. For a long moment, everything was wordlessly suspended between them, as if the slightest exhaled breath would drive them into each others arms at last, or else send them spinning apart for good.
The moment fell away, and Katou dropped his hands and stepped back, as if Izumi had somehow failed to interpret some critical secret code. Izumi's hand involuntarily flew to his own lips, still wet from Katou's mouth, desperate to invoke the magic word that would make things right again. But Katou was already preoccupied with rechecking the newspaper—just to make sure, he muttered—and abruptly, they were back to being strangers sharing the same apartment.
With a self-control that was entirely an act of pretense, he set himself to clearing the table, pretending he wasn't utterly devastated and that a black weight wasn't dragging at his heart.
~~~~~~~
Izumi hummed a little to himself as he climbed the last step on his way home. It didn't matter that he'd only gone to the convenience store and back—what was important was that he'd done it alone. He made a mental check – he was feeling a little jittery, but nothing too bad. Each trip outside seemed a little easier. Not bad for only a month with Katou. He could even begin to believe in the day when he'd be totally comfortable coming and going like everyone else.
His composure began to unravel, however, when his hand came up empty while searching his pocket for the key. A panicky search failed to turn it up. Then he remembered setting it down on the desk for a moment as he put on his gloves just before he'd left.
"Shit," he muttered, then, "Shit, shit, shit!" It didn't make him feel any better. All he needed to do, he told himself, was to hang on until Katou got home from work. Just until then. It couldn't be more than half an hour. He settled down beside the door and closed his eyes, breathing in and out slowly to calm himself the way Katou had taught him.
But Katou didn't come, and the winter light faded into dusk.
He was on the edge of letting his fear overcome him when he suddenly remembered the cell phone buried in an inside pocket that Katou insisted he carry. What an idiot he was—he could have called him right away. When he turned it on, he saw that there were already several new messages from Katou.
"Hello?" The sound of Katou's voice was such a relief that he couldn't say anything at first. "Izumi-kun, what is it? What's wrong? Why didn't you answer before?"
"Sorry, Katou-san, I forgot to turn it on. It's just…well, I locked myself out. I thought you would be home soon, but I waited and waited—"
"No, that's why I tried to call. I'm at a bar with some friends from the restaurant I used to work at. Kind of a celebration."
"Oh. Then I'll just stay here until—"
"Don't be silly. It's just down the street, the Happy Fortune. You know the place, almost to Hongo Dori, it's got those annoying blue flashing lights along the front. It'll only take me a few minutes to get home."
"No, Katou-san." Bad enough he was stupid enough to lock himself out. He wasn't going to ruin Katou's night out with his friends. "I'll come and get the key from you. I know where you are."
"Izumi-kun. Are you sure?"
He heard the concern in Katou's voice and somehow that gave him a little more confidence. He wanted Katou not to have to worry so much over him. He'd done so much already to help; Izumi could do this much for him.
It took a moment for Izumi's eyes to adjust to the dim light and blue haze of smoke in the bar, but then he spotted Katou at a table that was crowded with half-empty glasses and leftover food. And strangers. Katou must have been watching the door, because he was already waving him over. He was flanked by two girls; both already looked a little bleary from drinking. An older man turned to stare up at him, while another man nearer their age nodded a preoccupied welcome.
"Izumi! Hey! Come on, have a seat. Hey, everybody, this is my roommate, Ono Izumi-kun." Izumi tried to keep track of the names as Katou rattled them off too quickly. "Come on, budge over, let him sit down."
Izumi's heart was still pounding from the panic of locking himself out and then having to walk alone down the street, where the blank windows of buildings had seemed to stare sightlessly back at him like cold, dead eyes. If he stayed more than a few minutes, he might never find the nerve to walk back home. So he answered, "No thank you, Katou-san, I really need to get home soon."
Luckily, Katou picked up on the unspoken message. "Oh, okay. Let me finish my drink and I'll walk back with you, then."
"No, you don't have to do that. Stay here and enjoy yourself with your friends. I'd feel horrible if I made you leave now. Please. All I need is the key and I'll be on my way."
"Are you sure?"
He tried to look calm and confident, despite the fact that the older man was secretly smirking at the young guy, who was too far into his cups to notice. "Of course."
"Well, all right." Katou was handing him the key, still somewhat reluctantly. "I won't be too late."
"Don't worry about me. Stay as long as you like," Izumi told him. "Nice to meet you all," he added with a polite bow. The older man was still watching him with a cagey expression as he turned to leave.
Just before he was about to push open the door to the street, he noticed with some relief a hallway with a men's room at the end. The door was locked, though, and he could hear the indistinct splash of water inside. He leaned back to wait, eventually noticing that Katou and his friends were now directly behind him. Their voices broadcast quite clearly over the wall that divided them but didn't meet the ceiling.
"Oh my God, Katou-san, where'd you ever find him?" That must be the old guy, who was obviously from Kyoto by the accent.
"What do you mean?" Katou asked.
"I really need to get back home soon," the old guy said in a mocking voice, pitched high and soft like a girl's. "What an okama. Don't tell me you never noticed your roommate's a pillow-biting fairy?"
Izumi felt himself flush with mortification. Did he really come off like that to strangers? He should never have come here; he saw that now. He was nothing but an embarrassment to Katou.
"Shut up, Yonai-san, I thought he was cute," one of the girls said.
"Oh yeah? He sure as hell didn't bother giving you a second look," Yonai said with a sharp laugh. "I guess it's because you're not really his type at all."
"You're just jealous he didn't pay any attention to you," she retorted. "You can't seem to get any from girls or guys. Poor Yonai-san."
"Shut up, you fag hag!"
"Hey, you started it. Anyway, Katou-san, how did you end up with him? C'mon, spill."
"Yeah, good thing I saw you go after Midori-san before she quit, or I'd be having real doubts about you now," Yonai added.
"It's not like that," Katou said. "I met him when I was doing a job for my landlord. He needed a place to stay, and neither of us had any money."
"You are such a wimp," Yonai said. "And look where it got you—stuck living with a deadbeat fag who's happy to sponge off the new millionaire."
"Well, it's just until he gets back on his feet."
And there it was—the thing that Izumi had been dreading but had somehow known was coming all along. The thing that neither one of them talked about, the reason Katou had stopped doing it with him. He wanted Izumi gone. More than anything, Izumi wanted to give him everything, but Katou was having none of it. In the clear light of day, now that Yui wasn't breathing down their necks, Katou had discovered the truth, whatever shape that was for him. He wasn't that lonely, he didn't want to borrow trouble, he wasn't gay after all. Izumi felt the familiar burning ache edging behind his eyes, but he refused to let his tears out this time. He tightened every muscle so that he wouldn't sink down to his knees in despair.
Yonai was still talking, oblivious to the unfolding tragedy, and Izumi forced himself to listen to his annoying voice. "Like that'll happen. Now that you've got money, he'll never leave."
"No, Izumi's not like that. It's just—he's had a hard life. And I—"
"Felt sorry for him, yeah, I get it. Wish someone would come along and feel sorry for me."
"Says the guy who's drinking like a fish on someone else's money," the girl said.
"Hey, he's rich now! He doesn't mind, do you, Katou-san?"
"Well, I'm not rich. It wasn't that much money, not like you're thinking. I wanted to take you all out for a drink to celebrate, but the rest of it's just barely enough to cover the operation for my hips."
"So stop ordering all those expensive drinks, Yonai-san," the girl chided. "Who's sponging off the new millionaire now?"
"Hey, at least I'm not trying to weasel my way into his home!"
Home. It was a word Izumi had heard all his life without really grasping what it meant. Aware from an early age that having no home was the one thing that set him apart from normal kids, he grew up craving it like a pauper craves riches. He'd left the orphanage with Ken believing that he would finally have a home of his own, but that hadn't happened. Disillusioned, he had convinced himself that the notion of home had been an empty promise all along, just another adult lie.
Just then, the men's room door swung open and its occupant stumbled out, nearly tripping over Izumi.
"Oh, s'rry—" the man said, grabbing onto Izumi's arm for balance. Then he peered more carefully at Izumi. "Oh. Hey there. What's your name?"
Izumi didn't dare speak for fear of being overheard himself. But he recognized the come-on and in an instant he had the man sized up: what he might like and how much he would be willing to pay for it. He smiled back without knowing why before he remembered he no longer needed to.
The man, of course, took it for encouragement and clumsily tried to pull him back into the men's room, but Izumi, ashamed at his momentary slip, untangled his arm from the stranger's. He managed to go in alone and to lock the door between them with a shaky sigh. He was dangerously close to a full-blown panic attack now, and the thought of Katou having to rescue him here, in front of his mocking friends, was making it worse. It would be terrible if Katou found him with that drunken man doing—well, what he was going to have to start doing again, now that he knew that Katou wanted him to leave.
Because the only way Izumi knew how to get back on his feet was to get back on his knees.
~.~.~.~.~.~
Part 2
Er, that would be the announcement I would have made if the sequel were, you know, anticipated in the slightest. But alas...earwax. The story I wrote for this manga is without question the least-read thing I ever did. Nonetheless, I couldn't get it out of my brain until I wrote this sequel, so there you go. Ready or not, here it comes.
Much thanks for the beta to
venivincere, who wants to tell the rest of you that you don't have to know the original manga to follow along. You do need to read the first story I did, though. Oh, it's on Skyehawke too: Long Way Home.by Geoviki
Freely I slaved away for something better,
And I was bought and sold.
And all I ever wanted
Was just to come in from the cold.
—Joni Mitchell
The familiar rhythm being tattooed into the door jarred Izumi from his drifting thoughts. In the short month that Izumi had been living here with Katou, he'd grown used to Yui's impromptu visits. Now that Yui wasn't hounding both of them, he'd become quite the mother hen. But lately Izumi noticed a troubled air about him, as though he were dealing with something weighty and needed some distraction.
This time, to Izumi's surprise, Yui wasn't alone. Hanging on his arm was a cute young guy in the last gasp of puberty, maybe eighteen or nineteen, who was staring at everyone and everything with unabashed curiosity. He looked so much like Yui at first glance that Izumi thought he might be a brother, but the subtle sexual manner between them belied that idea.
"Izumi-chan! Katou-chan!" Yui gave them both enthusiastic hugs with his free arm and added a few awkward air kisses that Izumi and Katou managed to duck.
"This darling young man is Atsushi-chin," Yui told them with a grin, shrugging off both coat and boy in one flamboyant motion. "Do love him for me, won't you, Izumi-chan? Katou and I have boring, boring business to discuss."
"Would either of you like something to drink?" Izumi asked politely.
"Beer?" Atsushi said.
"Yes, all right. For everyone?" He did a quick mental inventory of their carefully hoarded supply—if he held off himself, there should be enough for the rest of them. A glance at Katou let him know he was doing the same mental calculation.
"Sounds good," Yui said, and fished out a sheaf of papers from his coat, which set Izumi on edge. Papers were always about money, or more specifically, the lack thereof. Izumi tried not to worry, but their finances were still pretty precarious. Katou had a new job, but he hadn't had his first paycheck yet. And Izumi…well, he was still working on being able to leave the apartment without having a panic attack.
Yui and Katou settled into the far corner of the room, and Atsushi followed him into the postage-stamp kitchen to fetch the beer.
"Do you smoke?" Atsushi asked, apropos of nothing Izumi could work out.
"No," he said, and made a universal sign for money. "Costs too much."
"I don't either. I'm thinking about it, though. Yui smokes all the time, and he always tastes like an ashtray. I was thinking I'd fight fire with fire." He chuckled at his own joke.
Izumi handed Atsushi one of their precious beers. "Here you go."
"Thanks. Yui told me a little bit about you. You're a rentboy, right?" Atsushi said, staring at him as if he was about to ask for a demonstration. Izumi was left wondering whatever happened to the art of small talk.
"I was," he replied, with no elaboration. Was a month's renunciation long enough to let him make that claim? He decided that intent mattered most, so yes, probably.
"Huh. Not that it matters to me. I'm in porn videos, myself."
He tried not to look shocked. "Is that so?"
"For a while, anyway, until I save up enough to go back to school so I can get a real job."
He cast around for a vague enough reply and tried not to let his imagination run free. "Yui-san runs a lot of different businesses, doesn't he?"
"Oh, I didn't get into it because of Yui. I just met him a few weeks ago. Right after Yui kicked you out of your home. He told me he felt bad about that."
"It wasn't home," he answered automatically. Ken had never called the place he'd deposited Izumi anything but an apartment. Never home. "Not what you'd call a home, anyway."
Ignoring Atsushi's puzzled look, he wordlessly took two beers to Yui and Katou and withdrew back to the kitchen. He sat near the open door, though, so he could keep tabs on their conversation—Katou bore a look of deep concern, which didn't bode well. Eavesdropping had always been a valued skill at the orphanage, but Ken had given him a hard time later when he'd caught him at it. Of course, it turned out that Ken had too many secrets he didn't want Izumi to learn. After Ken had left, the obasan upstairs had told him everything she'd seen. He swore he wasn't ever going to be left in the dark like that again.
In the other room, Yui was explaining how one of Katou's outstanding loans had escaped his notice. Izumi could only catch bits and pieces of what they were saying, but Katou seemed to calm a little as they spoke, so Izumi did too. Still, they were living hand to mouth as it was; this news couldn't be good.
Atsushi, seemingly deaf to the conversation going on in the other room, took a long pull from his beer and smiled at him. "I know what it looks like. But Yui and me, we're not together or anything like that. Well, it's complicated. I'm staying with him for now, but that's because I didn't want to be alone after my boyfriend kicked me to the curb a few days ago. Yui feels sorry for me, I guess. Hey, you don't mind me telling you all this, do you?"
Atsushi was so open and transparent that Izumi wondered if he was really Japanese at all. Hawaiian maybe? Californian? But there was no trace of a telltale accent that he could detect. "No, that's all right."
"I just thought you might understand how crazy things get sometimes, because you…well, Yui said your last boyfriend did the same thing to you."
How much gossip had Yui spread to this guy anyway? "That's complicated, too," he said quietly.
"Yeah. I wonder if it's any better with girls?"
"I wouldn't know."
"No, me either." Atsushi looked thoughtful for a moment, then flashed him a quick grin. "And I'm not looking to find out. I only like guys."
Izumi was finding himself warming to Atsushi's strange, blunt conversation. It had been so long since he'd actually had someone his own age to talk to. Not since Ken had cut him off from the few friends he'd had in the orphanage.
"I think Yui likes to take in strays like me. And Daikichi," Atsushi confided. Just when Izumi started to wonder if Yui was busy collecting his own harem of young guys, Atsushi added, "Daikichi is my cat. Hey, do you like cats? You look the type."
"Sure. I like them."
"Thought you might. See? We're a lot alike, really. Stray cats, both of us, looking for someone kind enough to bring us in off the streets."
"So you and Yui…."
"Well, we're not in love or anything. I mean, I don't dislike him, of course. Although I did at first, when he called me 'Brat' and stuff. He and my boyfriend are good friends, that's how we met." He looked up suddenly and laughed. "Like I said, complicated."
"I suppose they're not such good friends now."
"No, my boyfriend doesn't really care about me, but I…. Well, things are really fucked up, if you want the truth. I'm sleeping with Yui, but I don't love him, and he doesn't love me either. It's Tsukasa I'm in love with. I'm hoping he changes his mind and takes me back."
"I see. Then we're not alike, not that way."
"Oh. You're in love with that guy talking to Yui?" He looked hard at Izumi as if he could somehow work it out by reading his face.
"I meant the other part," he began, but then his throat tightened as he thought of Katou, and he could barely choke out, "I don't want to see my old boyfriend ever again."
Damn it, he hated how easily his emotions spilled out. It had always made him an easy target growing up with kids who'd somehow learned how to hide their own tears behind anger and their pain behind apathy. "Making Izumi cry" had become a popular pastime. One reason he'd adored Ken when he came to work there was that he'd put a stop to those nasty games.
Still, he wasn't ready to confess to this odd visitor that he'd already fallen hard for Katou, but that he didn't really know how Katou felt about him. Pity was a big reason why he was here, he knew that much, but was there anything else?
But Atsushi didn't notice his distress. "Hey, can I have another beer?" he said cheerfully.
"Oh. Sure."
Atsushi had it half gone in two swallows while Izumi watched. In the temporary quiet, he heard Yui tell Katou, "It's convenience, mostly. I give him a place to sleep, and he keeps me company and returns the favor with sex. See? No different than you and Izumi." Katou's reply was too quiet for Izumi to make out.
"That guy—is he a Yakuza too, like Yui?" Atsushi asked.
"No. No, he just got a job as a truck dispatcher. He figures out which truck should go where." He almost added that he could tell that Katou was already bored with it after only a week and was pretending to Izumi that he wasn't, but he caught himself in time. "He wants to be a chef, though. You should taste some of the things he cooks, with stuff you wouldn't think would even be edible. If only—" God, what had gotten into him? He had no business telling Atsushi about Katou's problems or their chronic lack of money. Atsushi's chattiness was too contagious. He needed to guard his tongue.
Abruptly, Yui was in the kitchen with them, making it crowded beyond belief. His distinctive scent of cologne and cigarette smoke filled Izumi's nose, and the smell made him remember things best left forgotten.
"You're not being an annoying little fuck, are you, Atsushi?" Yui said, but ruffled Atsushi's hair with clear affection to erase the sting from his words.
"Not a bit," Atsushi said, his grin mischievous. "We're just dishing the dirt about you two. Whose cock is bigger, that sort of thing."
Izumi wondered what Atsushi would say if he told him he already knew the answer from first-hand experience.
"C'mon, brat, we're going home," Yui said, then went back out to Katou. "Look, don't worry. It's just money. Once you get that first paycheck, things won't look so dire. Are you sure you won't change your mind about…" and he glanced at Izumi.
"No, it's too soon," Katou said. "We'll be fine."
Izumi had spent years filling in adults' unspoken conversation, and knew immediately that Yui wanted him to start working, too. But where, and doing what?
"Okay. Worth a try." Yui took his coat from Izumi with a bright smile. "Take care of him for me, won't you, Izumi-chan?"
"Of course."
Yui stuffed one hand into his pocket, clearly looking for a cigarette, but instead pulled out a handful of paper. He stared for a second, then smiled in recognition.
"Nearly forgot I had these. Lottery tickets. Four of them, and four of us. I better not ignore the significance of that." He fanned them out and offered them first to Katou and Atsushi, who each took one, and finally to Izumi.
"No, you choose next," Izumi urged. "I'll take the last one."
Chuckling, Yui did as he asked, adding, "Good luck to all of us. If any of you win, you can buy me dinner."
"Steak or sushi?" Katou asked.
"Steak, definitely. Gotta keep up my energy if I plan on letting this brat stick around. These young guys wear you out, isn't that so, Katou-chan?"
~~~~~~~
Izumi carefully wrote his name in pencil on his lottery ticket. Silently Katou handed his over and Izumi did the same to it. The strokes forming Katou's name looked nice, he decided, then he chuckled at how he was practically turning into a teenage girl, writing his boyfriend's name like this. He stuck both tickets on the refrigerator under a frog magnet for luck.
Katou was watching him. "What will you do with the money if you win?"
"Me? Oh, I don't know."
"There must be a lot of things you'd like to have, though, right?"
"I—I haven't thought about things like that."
"C'mon, there's gotta be one thing."
"Okay, I know. I'd like to go to a nice place and have my hair cut instead of doing it myself."
"That's it?"
"Yeah. I mean, it'd be a really nice place, you know, with shampoo that smells really exotic, and big fluffy towels, maybe a neck rub to go with it."
"That would be one awesome haircut, for twenty million yen."
"No, I wouldn't spend it all on haircuts, silly. I'd save the rest, I think."
"You know, Izumi-kun, I could pay for a haircut right now if you wanted one. I do like your hair long, though. It's nice, the way you wear it."
He flushed pink at the unexpected compliment. "Ken used to say it makes me look like a girl," he stammered, remembering too late that Katou didn't like hearing about Ken. Awkwardly, he added, "What would you spend the money on if you won?"
"Well, I'd take my time deciding, but I could get myself fixed up again, and then I could get back to learning to be a chef. I think I'd like that."
"Fixed up?"
"Well, an operation, yeah. They told me it would help a lot, but I can't afford it."
"Oh, Katou! You should do it!"
"Well, I have to win first, don't I? You know what they say: if wishes were horses, beggars would ride." His face turned serious again as he turned his attention back to the papers Yui had left.
"Is anything wrong?" Izumi finally asked. "Is there something I can do to help?"
Katou shook his head. "No, it's fine. Well, not fine, exactly, but—"
Izumi knew that what he was about to say wasn't going to go over very well, but he had to try.
"Katou-san, I still have a little money left. I would be honored if you'd let me give it to you to pay for our rent." He steeled himself for the rejection that was guaranteed to follow.
"No, Izumi, I can't take your money. You—you just hang on to it. Use it for haircuts and stuff like that."
"Please. I really want to pay my fair share, and I have enough right now. Let me do this, Katou-san."
Katou stared at him for a long moment, then said, "Does this have anything to do with what Yui said?"
"Yes. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to listen, but—"
"You can't help it when this apartment's so tiny, huh?" He gave a wry grin. "I know. Not your fault."
"Yui is right, though." If they were going to share their lives, then their money should be shared as well.
A look of surprise crossed Katou's face. "Do you think so? I guess I thought—well, what I thought isn't important, really. I should have paid more attention to what you thought, is all."
Izumi's spirits were lifting when he realized that Katou was going to be sensible about things. It only took a minute to bring him the envelope with his carefully hoarded savings. "Here. I want to do this, Katou. I know you're not comfortable with how I earned it, but it's mine and I want you to have it."
"I can't take it all—here, take this much back, at least."
"No, just—twenty yen is all I need."
"All right."
Izumi had a strong urge to kiss away Katou's discouraged expression, but was stopped short by the way he seemed a million miles away. That night, instead of taking Izumi to bed the way he usually did, Katou turned on the TV to some mindless quiz show and finally fell asleep there. Izumi watched him for a long time, wondering what else he could do to lessen his troubles. Finally, he nudged him awake and guided him into bed, but Katou merely tugged the blankets over himself and went right back to sleep.
~~~~~~~
Izumi never bothered with newspapers as a rule, but when he caught sight of Yui's picture on the front page, decorated with lurid headlines, he brought it home. He and Katou spent the evening poring over the story of girls sold into slavery and the other lurid details of the Nokura organization.
It was only as an afterthought, since they had the newspaper anyway, that he thought to check the numbers of the lottery tickets still held up by the magnet in the kitchen.
Which is how he learned that Yui's story wasn't at all the most astonishing news in the Tokyo Shimbun.
Of course, he didn't believe it at first, and when he managed to stammer out the good news, Katou didn't believe it either.
"You must have read it wrong," Katou said, but the numbers were the same when he checked, too. He finally blurted, "Oh my God!"
"Katou-san, you won! You really won!"
"Yeah, I guess I did…. Well, I mean, it wasn't the top prize, but still—wow. Three million yen!"
"Now you don't have to work as a dispatcher any more. I know how much you hate it there. You never said so, but I could tell." One of the ways he realized it was that Katou had stopped coming to bed with him—he instead fell asleep every night in front of the TV. They hadn't done it together since…well, it was after Yui and Atsushi had come to visit.
But Katou was laughing at him. "It's not all that much money, Izumi-kun. I still need to work."
Izumi's heart fell. "But— What about your operation? Is it enough—"
Katou looked thoughtful. "I think it just might be."
"Oh, Katou!"
And then Katou was finally kissing him, sweet and warm like he had that first week, and Izumi was careful not to do anything that would make him think of stopping. Eventually, though, Katou pulled away and opened his eyes. His warm hands were still cradling Izumi's, who could feel his own hand trembling inside them like a separate creature. He made the rest of himself very still, waiting, hoping not to frighten Katou away, hungering for him more than ever. He tried to read Katou's searching eyes, which were pinned on him, but couldn't. For a long moment, everything was wordlessly suspended between them, as if the slightest exhaled breath would drive them into each others arms at last, or else send them spinning apart for good.
The moment fell away, and Katou dropped his hands and stepped back, as if Izumi had somehow failed to interpret some critical secret code. Izumi's hand involuntarily flew to his own lips, still wet from Katou's mouth, desperate to invoke the magic word that would make things right again. But Katou was already preoccupied with rechecking the newspaper—just to make sure, he muttered—and abruptly, they were back to being strangers sharing the same apartment.
With a self-control that was entirely an act of pretense, he set himself to clearing the table, pretending he wasn't utterly devastated and that a black weight wasn't dragging at his heart.
~~~~~~~
Izumi hummed a little to himself as he climbed the last step on his way home. It didn't matter that he'd only gone to the convenience store and back—what was important was that he'd done it alone. He made a mental check – he was feeling a little jittery, but nothing too bad. Each trip outside seemed a little easier. Not bad for only a month with Katou. He could even begin to believe in the day when he'd be totally comfortable coming and going like everyone else.
His composure began to unravel, however, when his hand came up empty while searching his pocket for the key. A panicky search failed to turn it up. Then he remembered setting it down on the desk for a moment as he put on his gloves just before he'd left.
"Shit," he muttered, then, "Shit, shit, shit!" It didn't make him feel any better. All he needed to do, he told himself, was to hang on until Katou got home from work. Just until then. It couldn't be more than half an hour. He settled down beside the door and closed his eyes, breathing in and out slowly to calm himself the way Katou had taught him.
But Katou didn't come, and the winter light faded into dusk.
He was on the edge of letting his fear overcome him when he suddenly remembered the cell phone buried in an inside pocket that Katou insisted he carry. What an idiot he was—he could have called him right away. When he turned it on, he saw that there were already several new messages from Katou.
"Hello?" The sound of Katou's voice was such a relief that he couldn't say anything at first. "Izumi-kun, what is it? What's wrong? Why didn't you answer before?"
"Sorry, Katou-san, I forgot to turn it on. It's just…well, I locked myself out. I thought you would be home soon, but I waited and waited—"
"No, that's why I tried to call. I'm at a bar with some friends from the restaurant I used to work at. Kind of a celebration."
"Oh. Then I'll just stay here until—"
"Don't be silly. It's just down the street, the Happy Fortune. You know the place, almost to Hongo Dori, it's got those annoying blue flashing lights along the front. It'll only take me a few minutes to get home."
"No, Katou-san." Bad enough he was stupid enough to lock himself out. He wasn't going to ruin Katou's night out with his friends. "I'll come and get the key from you. I know where you are."
"Izumi-kun. Are you sure?"
He heard the concern in Katou's voice and somehow that gave him a little more confidence. He wanted Katou not to have to worry so much over him. He'd done so much already to help; Izumi could do this much for him.
It took a moment for Izumi's eyes to adjust to the dim light and blue haze of smoke in the bar, but then he spotted Katou at a table that was crowded with half-empty glasses and leftover food. And strangers. Katou must have been watching the door, because he was already waving him over. He was flanked by two girls; both already looked a little bleary from drinking. An older man turned to stare up at him, while another man nearer their age nodded a preoccupied welcome.
"Izumi! Hey! Come on, have a seat. Hey, everybody, this is my roommate, Ono Izumi-kun." Izumi tried to keep track of the names as Katou rattled them off too quickly. "Come on, budge over, let him sit down."
Izumi's heart was still pounding from the panic of locking himself out and then having to walk alone down the street, where the blank windows of buildings had seemed to stare sightlessly back at him like cold, dead eyes. If he stayed more than a few minutes, he might never find the nerve to walk back home. So he answered, "No thank you, Katou-san, I really need to get home soon."
Luckily, Katou picked up on the unspoken message. "Oh, okay. Let me finish my drink and I'll walk back with you, then."
"No, you don't have to do that. Stay here and enjoy yourself with your friends. I'd feel horrible if I made you leave now. Please. All I need is the key and I'll be on my way."
"Are you sure?"
He tried to look calm and confident, despite the fact that the older man was secretly smirking at the young guy, who was too far into his cups to notice. "Of course."
"Well, all right." Katou was handing him the key, still somewhat reluctantly. "I won't be too late."
"Don't worry about me. Stay as long as you like," Izumi told him. "Nice to meet you all," he added with a polite bow. The older man was still watching him with a cagey expression as he turned to leave.
Just before he was about to push open the door to the street, he noticed with some relief a hallway with a men's room at the end. The door was locked, though, and he could hear the indistinct splash of water inside. He leaned back to wait, eventually noticing that Katou and his friends were now directly behind him. Their voices broadcast quite clearly over the wall that divided them but didn't meet the ceiling.
"Oh my God, Katou-san, where'd you ever find him?" That must be the old guy, who was obviously from Kyoto by the accent.
"What do you mean?" Katou asked.
"I really need to get back home soon," the old guy said in a mocking voice, pitched high and soft like a girl's. "What an okama. Don't tell me you never noticed your roommate's a pillow-biting fairy?"
Izumi felt himself flush with mortification. Did he really come off like that to strangers? He should never have come here; he saw that now. He was nothing but an embarrassment to Katou.
"Shut up, Yonai-san, I thought he was cute," one of the girls said.
"Oh yeah? He sure as hell didn't bother giving you a second look," Yonai said with a sharp laugh. "I guess it's because you're not really his type at all."
"You're just jealous he didn't pay any attention to you," she retorted. "You can't seem to get any from girls or guys. Poor Yonai-san."
"Shut up, you fag hag!"
"Hey, you started it. Anyway, Katou-san, how did you end up with him? C'mon, spill."
"Yeah, good thing I saw you go after Midori-san before she quit, or I'd be having real doubts about you now," Yonai added.
"It's not like that," Katou said. "I met him when I was doing a job for my landlord. He needed a place to stay, and neither of us had any money."
"You are such a wimp," Yonai said. "And look where it got you—stuck living with a deadbeat fag who's happy to sponge off the new millionaire."
"Well, it's just until he gets back on his feet."
And there it was—the thing that Izumi had been dreading but had somehow known was coming all along. The thing that neither one of them talked about, the reason Katou had stopped doing it with him. He wanted Izumi gone. More than anything, Izumi wanted to give him everything, but Katou was having none of it. In the clear light of day, now that Yui wasn't breathing down their necks, Katou had discovered the truth, whatever shape that was for him. He wasn't that lonely, he didn't want to borrow trouble, he wasn't gay after all. Izumi felt the familiar burning ache edging behind his eyes, but he refused to let his tears out this time. He tightened every muscle so that he wouldn't sink down to his knees in despair.
Yonai was still talking, oblivious to the unfolding tragedy, and Izumi forced himself to listen to his annoying voice. "Like that'll happen. Now that you've got money, he'll never leave."
"No, Izumi's not like that. It's just—he's had a hard life. And I—"
"Felt sorry for him, yeah, I get it. Wish someone would come along and feel sorry for me."
"Says the guy who's drinking like a fish on someone else's money," the girl said.
"Hey, he's rich now! He doesn't mind, do you, Katou-san?"
"Well, I'm not rich. It wasn't that much money, not like you're thinking. I wanted to take you all out for a drink to celebrate, but the rest of it's just barely enough to cover the operation for my hips."
"So stop ordering all those expensive drinks, Yonai-san," the girl chided. "Who's sponging off the new millionaire now?"
"Hey, at least I'm not trying to weasel my way into his home!"
Home. It was a word Izumi had heard all his life without really grasping what it meant. Aware from an early age that having no home was the one thing that set him apart from normal kids, he grew up craving it like a pauper craves riches. He'd left the orphanage with Ken believing that he would finally have a home of his own, but that hadn't happened. Disillusioned, he had convinced himself that the notion of home had been an empty promise all along, just another adult lie.
Just then, the men's room door swung open and its occupant stumbled out, nearly tripping over Izumi.
"Oh, s'rry—" the man said, grabbing onto Izumi's arm for balance. Then he peered more carefully at Izumi. "Oh. Hey there. What's your name?"
Izumi didn't dare speak for fear of being overheard himself. But he recognized the come-on and in an instant he had the man sized up: what he might like and how much he would be willing to pay for it. He smiled back without knowing why before he remembered he no longer needed to.
The man, of course, took it for encouragement and clumsily tried to pull him back into the men's room, but Izumi, ashamed at his momentary slip, untangled his arm from the stranger's. He managed to go in alone and to lock the door between them with a shaky sigh. He was dangerously close to a full-blown panic attack now, and the thought of Katou having to rescue him here, in front of his mocking friends, was making it worse. It would be terrible if Katou found him with that drunken man doing—well, what he was going to have to start doing again, now that he knew that Katou wanted him to leave.
Because the only way Izumi knew how to get back on his feet was to get back on his knees.
~.~.~.~.~.~
Part 2
